Update Time

Much has changed in a few short months. A few months ago, I lived and taught in Moldova. Never would have considered moving back home, but I did. The desire to terminate my own life grew to an extreme level. Feelings and thoughts refuse to be stifled. In some ways, I have given into who I am. In some ways I still run.

I have become unemployed, turned another year older, gained a brother in law, cut my hair, gained thirty five pounds, informed my family of who I am, and it feels like I have lost everything. It sounds so dramatic but it is exactly how I feel. Others don’t recognize this person, and neither do I. And I can’t tell if these are positive steps or just the normal, difficult steps towards anything worth being and doing.

Next week I have an appointment with a therapist. I saw a new doctor upon returning home. He gave a new medication and said I could begin therapy in January. That is quite a long time to wait further. So I will be seeing a different counselor next week. I don’t even know what to tell her. I just hope she is willing to go slowly and work with me.

In the process of transitioning my life it seems that many people have been hurt and disappointed. I still have hope that this is temporary. Things can get better. I hold on to the idea that they will. Thanks for reading. Cheers!

Pain – It Is My Friend

Through all the changes of the last couple of months, several aspects of life have remained the same. Depression exists regardless of where a person is. Eating properly and exercising both remain major struggles. Relationships prove to be trying as usual. The most alarming consistency though is that of pain.

I tend to give objects and aspects of life a gender. Perhaps in previous writing pain was assigned a specific identity. At this point in life, it does not have anything specific to claim. As dependable as pain is, it also proves to be ever changing. Any given day pain walks by my side. Sometimes it holds tightly to me, and we go hand in hand. Other times pain sneaks behind, ever so closely, but never close enough for an early discovery. It seems to have a plan; one that it refuses to share with me.

Pain has started showing itself in new ways. It still comes in the form of cutting, but has now become more creative in the methods of such behavior. Perhaps this is due to the new level of necessary secrecy. Pain no loner allows for any feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction. It yells at me from inside, sometimes in the form of anxiety attacks and sometimes in the form of that nagging voice in the back of the head. Often it won’t shut up.

If not a devil then pain certainly must be close friends with one. With all of it’s randomness and seeming instabilities, it remains most consistent in that it is always welcomed. At first entry might be harshly denied and fought against. With but a little time, it wins. It always wins. It is fine with me though, for it has become apparent to my mind that pain is actually a good friend. I know that in the difficult times it will come. In the good times it will be watching me. It brings gifts and asks only for attention. Pain is dependable. If nothing else, pain reminds me that there is life somewhere inside this vessel.

Thanks pain for your company. You are there when no one else can be found. You are strong when everything else is week. You scream loudly then whisper your foolish wisdom. You entertain and influence. You change, and you don’t. You are not always understood, but you are always available. Thank you dearest pain.

Update that is not an update

There is so much I want to say but have not had the time to say. Today is my sisters wedding. This is killer. All the people and the running around and the hair and the make up. Part of me wants to run away from all the craziness. It is so selfish for me to feel this way but I am only home for a few weeks. Two of these weeks is devoted to my sister. She hasn’t paid me a bit of mind since I’ve been here. Just ready to be alone for a little while. Venting feels good. In the mean time, Green Day’s Holiday is playing over the loudspeaker at the hair salon.

The second flight

So far things Have been ok. Got a very nice and thorough pat down on the way into the second airport. The last flight had a bit of turbulence. On a great note though my seat belt fit for the very first time. I didn’t have to ask for a seat bet extender! And the lady beside me didn’t want to talk. Things are going ok. Now for the nine and a half hour flight. :)

A Little Bit Lower Now

In first grade, two boys called me fat for the first time. In sixth grade I weighed about 220 pounds. That weight increased about thirty pounds in the next few years. In college the number escalated to over 285 pounds. I have never known what it is like to not be fat. I weighed today. I lost a little over two pounds this week and am at 242.8 pounds. In about twenty pounds, I will be at the same weight I was at the age of twelve. It is blowing my mind. In fact, I don’t really know how to react to this. There is much pride. I am so proud of myself for making this progress all on my own. There is no dietician or trainer. It is just me and myfitnesspal.com plus some FitnessBlender videos.

In reality I know there is still 82 pounds to my final goal weight. But still, being down over forty pounds is pretty amazing. I have much more confidence and self worth. Not for a minute should a someone’s self worth be dependent on any number. That would be very sad. But the increase in self confidence seems to stem from the success. I have lost weight like this before, when I was dating a man. After a dreadful break up, I gained all the weight back plus about 25 more pounds. This time though, the motivation is mostly for health reasons. My parents deal with many health issues that are only worsened by excess weight. If they had been healthy at my age, maybe they wouldn’t struggle as badly now.

This whole process is so cool. I can’t wait to show my family the improvements in person. Skype only shows so much. Even now, I keep catching different views of my body and I don’t even recognize it. It is weird and amazing at the same time. My goal while at home is to lose at least five pounds as I will be there for five weeks. That would put the number at 237.8. We will see! The next big number for me will be 220. I cannot wait to get there. After that, under 200 is the goal. Then it is basically a straight shot to 160. Realistically, the weight loss will probably slow as the numbers get smaller. The time will pass either way. Might as well be getting healthier through it all.

According to society, I am still fat. In my mind, I have come a long way. There is still a ways to go, but it is just all a part of the journey. Cheers!

Motion Sickness

If you have ever experienced motion sickness of any kind, you know it is one of nature’s most vile tortures. Usually the motion being inflicted is necessary, such as the nine hour plane ride that takes you to your family, or the hour long ride to the city. If you are sensitive enough, perhaps even small sudden movements such as elevator or escalator rides cause problems for you. Sadly escape comes only from the ending of the motion. But ending it all is not always an option.

This is how life treats us sometimes. The constant movement and snatching away of things and people can become unbearable. This is where I find myself at the moment. My boss/pastor recently resigned. By that one decision, several lives and questions were thrown in the air to float until some unseen time in which things will settle again. Until then, all of us working here are just trying to pretend that everything is ok. That screaming little voice in the back of the mind doesn’t want to be ignored though.

The timing of his decision was not great. When I go home, I am going to a broken church. I don’t know what to expect. But beyond the church and the missions organization, I don’t know how I am supposed to be feeling. I want to be here teaching. If this is all I have and all I do forever, I think there would be satisfaction in that. With the shifting of everything at church has come a thought process I haven’t expected. If something happens to the organization and the church, I would have a definite reason to get out this line of work. I would start out to become a chef, which is something I have always wanted. Usually the desire can be pushed down and ignored. Lately though it has become too loud to stifle.

The most difficult part of everything happening is that I am going home. I will be with my sister again, but for only a month. One month. I am already heartbroken to leave her again. I don’t know how many  more times she will want to do this. How many times will she want to hold on only to have us ripped apart again? Am I selfish to expect her to continue with something that only results in pain for both of us? I just honestly don’t know if I can get on a plane and leave her again. The sad thing is, I wish I could say she needs me. Maybe she does a little, but in reality, I need her more than she will ever need me. She gives me a reason to keep going and to care to try. She is the number one reason I am still even on this Earth.

Even sitting here, waiting for Monday to come, waiting to pack, waiting to prepare, it is all killing me. Thoughts are up and down and scattered at the calmest. I can’t decide what I am supposed to feel or do. Does this call for me to just shut everything down and go through the motions? Am I supposed to listen to my feelings? Feelings are so undependable.

Motion sickness – as of late, I am convinced it can apply to emotions and life, and it describes perfectly my life right now. I know that when things are this way, a wave of depression tends to hit. There isn’t time for that right now. There just isn’t time. Life goes on regardless of how I may or may not feel. I would give anything to stop the ride and take a look at life from a different perspective. Just stop for a second. Let me get myself together. Give me a minute to breath and feel normal. If only.