Writing this seems almost taboo, but I feel happy. The laughter is genuine. The smiles are real. Emotions are being felt. In fact, emotions are having to be relearned. Each one is still surprising and new in some ways. The whole thing is kind of strange actually, yet it is still totally awesome. There is a fear that typing this out will somehow bring about another episode of depression. If by some strange force that happens to be the case, it will be fine. There will be another bought of depression. There always will be another one. Perhaps that is why this feeling of happiness is so amazing and important. I don’t know what the next hour, tomorrow, or next week will be like. The truth is, I have little control over the majority of the future. So for right now, I am going to embrace this ability to feel.
The best part of feeling again is just feeling alive. My family is into quoting movies. Yep, we are that family. Today, my Dad and I sent movie quotes back and forth through Facebook messenger until we couldn’t think of anymore. We actually only quoted from The Lion King. I for one was very impressed with our mass knowledge of the film.
The neighbors’ son came over to read today. He and his family are leaving for vacation this evening. He asked if he could give me a hug. I kid you not, I was afraid of that hug. The only people who are allowed to touch me at all is my family. I haven’t seen them in almost seven months, so there has been little to no human contact in that time. I said yes, not really knowing what feelings to expect. He wrapped his seven year old arms around me and held on so tight. Then he gave me a kiss and asked for a piece of gum. I asked him if he hugged me for gum. He said nope; he did it because he loves me. I could have died right then. I am so hard on him and sometimes wonder if he still likes me at all. If only moments like that could be bottled up, just as they are at that exact moment.
Both the hug and the messages reminded me that I am alive. “Alive” has not been a present feeling in a long time. It is still shocking to hear myself laugh. There is almost a need to look around and see if anybody else heard it. Not sure if that is looking for confirmation or disapproval. A month ago, I didn’t want to live. Life didn’t even seem plausible. Today, the story is completely different, and I am going to enjoy today. That doesn’t mean bad times won’t come, or that the anxiety is under control, or that all the weight has been lost, a husband has been found, world wide hunger has been ended, or that anything is perfect. But there is a chance to live to see some of that happen. Life can be good. (Now if I can just get my brain to stop cringing at everything that is written here. I think she is afraid.)
What are some things that remind you that you are indeed alive? Thanks for reading. Cheers!