Update that is not an update

There is so much I want to say but have not had the time to say. Today is my sisters wedding. This is killer. All the people and the running around and the hair and the make up. Part of me wants to run away from all the craziness. It is so selfish for me to feel this way but I am only home for a few weeks. Two of these weeks is devoted to my sister. She hasn’t paid me a bit of mind since I’ve been here. Just ready to be alone for a little while. Venting feels good. In the mean time, Green Day’s Holiday is playing over the loudspeaker at the hair salon.

The second flight

So far things Have been ok. Got a very nice and thorough pat down on the way into the second airport. The last flight had a bit of turbulence. On a great note though my seat belt fit for the very first time. I didn’t have to ask for a seat bet extender! And the lady beside me didn’t want to talk. Things are going ok. Now for the nine and a half hour flight. :)

A Little Bit Lower Now

In first grade, two boys called me fat for the first time. In sixth grade I weighed about 220 pounds. That weight increased about thirty pounds in the next few years. In college the number escalated to over 285 pounds. I have never known what it is like to not be fat. I weighed today. I lost a little over two pounds this week and am at 242.8 pounds. In about twenty pounds, I will be at the same weight I was at the age of twelve. It is blowing my mind. In fact, I don’t really know how to react to this. There is much pride. I am so proud of myself for making this progress all on my own. There is no dietician or trainer. It is just me and myfitnesspal.com plus some FitnessBlender videos.

In reality I know there is still 82 pounds to my final goal weight. But still, being down over forty pounds is pretty amazing. I have much more confidence and self worth. Not for a minute should a someone’s self worth be dependent on any number. That would be very sad. But the increase in self confidence seems to stem from the success. I have lost weight like this before, when I was dating a man. After a dreadful break up, I gained all the weight back plus about 25 more pounds. This time though, the motivation is mostly for health reasons. My parents deal with many health issues that are only worsened by excess weight. If they had been healthy at my age, maybe they wouldn’t struggle as badly now.

This whole process is so cool. I can’t wait to show my family the improvements in person. Skype only shows so much. Even now, I keep catching different views of my body and I don’t even recognize it. It is weird and amazing at the same time. My goal while at home is to lose at least five pounds as I will be there for five weeks. That would put the number at 237.8. We will see! The next big number for me will be 220. I cannot wait to get there. After that, under 200 is the goal. Then it is basically a straight shot to 160. Realistically, the weight loss will probably slow as the numbers get smaller. The time will pass either way. Might as well be getting healthier through it all.

According to society, I am still fat. In my mind, I have come a long way. There is still a ways to go, but it is just all a part of the journey. Cheers!

Motion Sickness

If you have ever experienced motion sickness of any kind, you know it is one of nature’s most vile tortures. Usually the motion being inflicted is necessary, such as the nine hour plane ride that takes you to your family, or the hour long ride to the city. If you are sensitive enough, perhaps even small sudden movements such as elevator or escalator rides cause problems for you. Sadly escape comes only from the ending of the motion. But ending it all is not always an option.

This is how life treats us sometimes. The constant movement and snatching away of things and people can become unbearable. This is where I find myself at the moment. My boss/pastor recently resigned. By that one decision, several lives and questions were thrown in the air to float until some unseen time in which things will settle again. Until then, all of us working here are just trying to pretend that everything is ok. That screaming little voice in the back of the mind doesn’t want to be ignored though.

The timing of his decision was not great. When I go home, I am going to a broken church. I don’t know what to expect. But beyond the church and the missions organization, I don’t know how I am supposed to be feeling. I want to be here teaching. If this is all I have and all I do forever, I think there would be satisfaction in that. With the shifting of everything at church has come a thought process I haven’t expected. If something happens to the organization and the church, I would have a definite reason to get out this line of work. I would start out to become a chef, which is something I have always wanted. Usually the desire can be pushed down and ignored. Lately though it has become too loud to stifle.

The most difficult part of everything happening is that I am going home. I will be with my sister again, but for only a month. One month. I am already heartbroken to leave her again. I don’t know how many  more times she will want to do this. How many times will she want to hold on only to have us ripped apart again? Am I selfish to expect her to continue with something that only results in pain for both of us? I just honestly don’t know if I can get on a plane and leave her again. The sad thing is, I wish I could say she needs me. Maybe she does a little, but in reality, I need her more than she will ever need me. She gives me a reason to keep going and to care to try. She is the number one reason I am still even on this Earth.

Even sitting here, waiting for Monday to come, waiting to pack, waiting to prepare, it is all killing me. Thoughts are up and down and scattered at the calmest. I can’t decide what I am supposed to feel or do. Does this call for me to just shut everything down and go through the motions? Am I supposed to listen to my feelings? Feelings are so undependable.

Motion sickness – as of late, I am convinced it can apply to emotions and life, and it describes perfectly my life right now. I know that when things are this way, a wave of depression tends to hit. There isn’t time for that right now. There just isn’t time. Life goes on regardless of how I may or may not feel. I would give anything to stop the ride and take a look at life from a different perspective. Just stop for a second. Let me get myself together. Give me a minute to breath and feel normal. If only.

Children Are A Gift

More and more I am convinced children will not be in my future. Neighbors’ kid comes over this afternoon after I had just returned from a long day in the city. He brings a piece of carrot cake that had finger prints in it. He then insists that is for me and that I need to try it. So I do. It was not the best piece of cake ever made. He saved me from the extra calories though. He ended up eating it, loudly, beside me. Pet peeve of mine:smacking. Hate it! He puts the dirty plate from his house in my sink. Then leaves a few crumbs on the table. He is sweet. I love him, but parenting is just not going to be my thing. At the end of a post like this, there should be something cute to tie it all together. Sorry people. Not gonna happen today. But I really do love him.

Sunrise, Sunset

The silence is killing me. Not sure what I even want. Existing has become merely a torture tactic of life. Am I whining? Probably. This is the result of feeling completely useless and incompetent.
Sleep. Survive. Try not to offend too many people. Pretend that people actually care enough to feel offended. Repeat. And repeat. And repeat again. Ready to feel alive and smart and independent and even wanted. Somehow there is still hope that all of that could be possible. And so we carry on.