If you have ever experienced motion sickness of any kind, you know it is one of nature’s most vile tortures. Usually the motion being inflicted is necessary, such as the nine hour plane ride that takes you to your family, or the hour long ride to the city. If you are sensitive enough, perhaps even small sudden movements such as elevator or escalator rides cause problems for you. Sadly escape comes only from the ending of the motion. But ending it all is not always an option.
This is how life treats us sometimes. The constant movement and snatching away of things and people can become unbearable. This is where I find myself at the moment. My boss/pastor recently resigned. By that one decision, several lives and questions were thrown in the air to float until some unseen time in which things will settle again. Until then, all of us working here are just trying to pretend that everything is ok. That screaming little voice in the back of the mind doesn’t want to be ignored though.
The timing of his decision was not great. When I go home, I am going to a broken church. I don’t know what to expect. But beyond the church and the missions organization, I don’t know how I am supposed to be feeling. I want to be here teaching. If this is all I have and all I do forever, I think there would be satisfaction in that. With the shifting of everything at church has come a thought process I haven’t expected. If something happens to the organization and the church, I would have a definite reason to get out this line of work. I would start out to become a chef, which is something I have always wanted. Usually the desire can be pushed down and ignored. Lately though it has become too loud to stifle.
The most difficult part of everything happening is that I am going home. I will be with my sister again, but for only a month. One month. I am already heartbroken to leave her again. I don’t know how many more times she will want to do this. How many times will she want to hold on only to have us ripped apart again? Am I selfish to expect her to continue with something that only results in pain for both of us? I just honestly don’t know if I can get on a plane and leave her again. The sad thing is, I wish I could say she needs me. Maybe she does a little, but in reality, I need her more than she will ever need me. She gives me a reason to keep going and to care to try. She is the number one reason I am still even on this Earth.
Even sitting here, waiting for Monday to come, waiting to pack, waiting to prepare, it is all killing me. Thoughts are up and down and scattered at the calmest. I can’t decide what I am supposed to feel or do. Does this call for me to just shut everything down and go through the motions? Am I supposed to listen to my feelings? Feelings are so undependable.
Motion sickness – as of late, I am convinced it can apply to emotions and life, and it describes perfectly my life right now. I know that when things are this way, a wave of depression tends to hit. There isn’t time for that right now. There just isn’t time. Life goes on regardless of how I may or may not feel. I would give anything to stop the ride and take a look at life from a different perspective. Just stop for a second. Let me get myself together. Give me a minute to breath and feel normal. If only.