Hey, Are There Nuts In This?!?

It is really quite spectacular how some situations or behaviors follow us from childhood into adulthood. Since my youngest sister was a baby, she has had no problem with the dark. She has never been afraid of it. In fact, she often embraces it. At almost fifteen years old, darkness is her friend. Our middle sister has always been allergic to nuts. Always. Give her a nut and she blows up like a helium saturated balloon. A favorite past time of mine was giving her different nuts to see how she would react. Our parents put a fast stop to that. I have never liked cantaloupe. Never have. Don’t think I ever will. Add that to the trait of over thinking everything, and you have a real gem of a person here.

Interestingly enough though, I have noticed that the relationship between me and my middle sister has remained pretty much the same. I have basically always been the “good” one and she has always been my polar opposite. Nothing has changed there. But what I find more interesting is that regardless of how much “good” I do or how much “bad” she does, my parents seem to want to talk about her all the time. For the last ten years she has been doing her thing. It has been difficult for my parents, but they still seem to just be so giddy over her, her life, and her wedding. What is also the same as our childhood is that I am still irritated with it all. I am still tired of hearing about her. I am still tired of feeling like we are in some kind of competition. The competing is not so difficult. It is the losing that gets to me.

If only life were more fair. You know, people who follow the speed limit don’t get into fender benders. Students who study are guaranteed A’s. Anyone who tries to drop an addiction can. Wouldn’t this be the perfect life? Instead, here we are. We claw and scratch our way to the top. Then sometimes, no matter how hard we have fought, we are at the bottom yet again. Wherever you are in life right now, whether you are the king of the world or you are barely hanging on, keep fighting. Don’t give up. You have worked too hard to turn back now. You have given too much to quit. You never know who is watching. You never know who needs you to keep coming back no matter how difficult life is. And if things get too hard, just give your sister a nut. Cheers!

Something Different

Confused. Tired. Unsure. Afraid. Excited. Bored. Numb. Overwhelmed. Uninspired. Overfed. These are the top ten adjectives that describe me right now. More than anything, and probably why it is number one, is the feeling of confusion. I hear words people are saying and see things they are doing that consistently point to my inability to function as a normal human on a social level, but I just don’t care. It worries me somewhere deep inside. It hurts a little, but I just can’t even seem to care. And that is confusing. Normally these situations would make me have anxiety attacks and force me to hide in my room until the danger has disappeared., but I just don’t even care anymore. While it seems like that is probably a good thing, it doesn’t seem good. It feels wrong. I want to care how I come off to people, especially working in a ministry. I want to be more social and loving. I want to want to try harder. Right now, I just don’t care.

Maybe it is because I am going home in six days. Maybe it is because of all the stuff happening with my former pastor. Maybe it is the uncertainty of my position here in the very near future. I don’t know. All I know is, I am very confused.

The Truth About Thigh Gaps – FitnessBlender

I love FitnessBlender! They put out the best workout videos. The videos are easy to understand and very educational. They also don’t play any music in the background, which makes room for Adam Lambert to play during my workouts. The videos work if you work and they are free. Take the time to check them out. They offer hundreds of videos on Youtube. They cover everything from Pilates to cardio and yoga to complete beginners workouts. They even have a workout video for kids. Anyway, that is quite enough advertising. If you haven’t checked them out yet, please do. :)

Here Or There?

He resigned from the pastorate. I have yet to respond to the email he sent informing me of this decision. What is there to say? I feel a bit hurt and jaded. Those are really selfish feelings though. For him there are great feelings of sadness and concern. I hope he is ok.

This man was my pastor, friend, confidant, adviser, and boss. Here we are. He has moved on. Where does that leave me? Where does that leave the people who were working for his organization? Yes, it is only me and one other family, but there are many people that the ministry influences. The church this organization was started from is struggling, and now the pastor has left. Worse case scenario would be the church folding. That would be beyond terrible for many people. The next step from that would be if a new pastor were hired, who did not see the need for the said organization. The next step from that would be if the new pastor did not see the need for my position over here and pulled me from the field.

Things could also go the opposite direction. We could get a new pastor who has a huge heart for missions and takes the church and the missions organization farther than ever before. I hope this is the case. I know God has a plan. Right now though, I have no clue what that plan is. I do know that going home, being removed from Moldova, would break me and my heart in two. I don’t think I could survive it. I would be a twenty three year old single female living with and depending completely on my parents until I could get on my feet. I can’t do that.

We will see what happens. In the mean time anxiety is pretty high. There is possibility that I will be bringing all my belongings back home with me when I go next week. I am not ready to pack everything up with the possibility of moving back home. If our organization shuts down, I plan on getting a job. After getting a job and saving a bit of money, I would begin to attend our local community college to pursue a degree in culinary arts. After completing that degree, I would hopefully then continue to a higher end culinary school. I have always thought that God either wanted me to be a missionary or I could be a chef. Maybe He wanted me here for a brief time and will open up a way for me to be a chef as well. That would be amazing.

Along with the anxiety, I can feel the beginnings of another wave of depression. I have no idea how to combat it. I have been social. Food choices have been good. I am drinking water. There is plenty of exercise going on. I am getting plenty of b vitamins. Can’t go outside right now because of the rain. I can’t be dealing with another bought of depression right now. I am flying home in seven and a half days. This is one of those times that I wish I could drink. Not that my life is that bad right now but there are too many questions and no answers. I would just like to forget for a little while. I am so tired.

“Take The Pain. Take The Pleasure. I’m The Master Of Both.”

Hurt me. Fuel me. Go on, push me over the edge. Don’t hold back. Feel free to take what you need and have your laughs. Mask on, mask off, it is all up to you. Push hard or gently nudge, you decide. You are in control now. There’s no going back for me. There is no crying out for relief. You brought me here. You left me here. How is that fair? I don’t know, but my thoughts don’t matter right now. You are in control.

You bring your pain. It isn’t anything I haven’t felt before. I will stay here and take it. I will take all of it. That will make you happy won’t it? You get your kicks from knowing you’re winning. How does that upper hand feel? Just know that there is responsibility with this film of power you may be feeling. I urge you to use caution, yet I am here gladly accepting your harshness and cruelty. I hear your words, feel your touch. I won’t flinch.

In actuality, at the end of all this, I will thank you. Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the reason to keep going. Thanks for the questions and occasionally the answers. Thanks for your patience. Swift blows are good, but real pain takes time and precision. You are a master. Though most would not believe it, this is an agreement between the two of us. In some strange way, we both benefit from this arrangement.

What will you do next? Where are you? I don’t know. I don’t have to know. You do your job and I will do mine. No doubt you are good at what you do. You plan to leave me broken. It is all a part of your game. I like to play it with you. So go if you must. Remember that I will be her waiting for you when you return. Waiting for you to hurt me, fuel me, push me over the edge…

Not sure exactly who or what this post was written to. My pastor and friend just resigned from our church. That hurt for many reasons. I have had a lot of anxiety this morning. So maybe this post is to depression, anxiety, or pain in general. Either way, these are my feelings and thoughts at the moment.

The title is a quote from Adam Lambert’s song “For Your Entertainment”.

So This Is Love?

Today was another weigh in day. The scale says 245.5! This number is merely .5lbs from my goal of 245. It would be awesome to kick it down an entire pound and be past the goal. This is just the goal for how much I wanted to lose before going home. The home going is in a mere ten days away. I know I can do it!

So, I have decided that I am in love. I love my body. I loved didn’t really love it when I was over 285 pounds. I did love it at about 265. Now at 245.5, I am obsessed. I look down at my arms and can see some muscle definition. It isn’t a huge amount, but it is there. My body is stronger, more graceful, and kick butt flexible. I can see my collar bones. Personally, I think collar bones are very beautiful and attractive on any gender, or size. I love them and love mine in turn. There is usually more energy. Today not so much because I chose to sleep in. Needed the sleep but hate feeling sluggish and sleepy. Continuing with the list of why my body is amazing… I can almost see my hip bones. I can really feel them! My tummy is shrinking and the rest of me bulking up, in the best way possible. I love the strength my body has now, and things are only going to get better from here. My goal exercise goal is to be able to do twenty proper push ups and a hand stand. :) We will see.

The most difficult part for me at this moment is remembered that technically, I am still very fat. Though I look at  my body and see wonderful things, others look and see a blob. I still have 85.5lbs before I hit the final goal of 160. That is a lot of weight. I really want to wear sleeveless tops right now, but know that I couldn’t handle the looks from others. My arms aren’t my worst area. They still have some slightly visible stretch marks though. One day I will proudly wear those sleeveless tops and not worry what others think. For now, 85.5 lbs to go.

I am very nervous about going home. Being back in America for a month and not gaining weight will be challenging enough. The goal is to actually lose weight while at home. People, my home used to be the land of the fat and home of the overly fed. Things are a bit different now. My Mom just had her fifth heart stint put in. The doctor said he cannot give her any more stints. So her diet has changed in drastic ways. Dad is going to have a weight loss surgery, hopefully within the next month. His eating will be changing. So praise the Lord I am not going home to fried foods and gravy, which used to be major staples for us.

I am more afraid of myself. I have a car at home. I have money. I want Chinese food and milkshakes (not together by the way). Just thinking of pigging out makes me feel sick though. And I have to think about the new body I am gaining. Those foods won’t really satisfy me. I know that. And they will certainly bring much regret if consumed. Most people would suggest that I just eat in moderation. People, I can’t. I am a crazy extremist and a serious emotional eater. I don’t want a piece of cake. I want the whole cake. I don’t want a few fries, I want the whole order. I am really going to need to depend on my family for some help. I won’t be able to do it alone. Yay for support systems!

Another concern is all the processed foods and chemicals. I haven’t eaten American foods in almost eight months. Here in Moldova, everyone eats fresh foods and people are rarely overweight. I love America but we tend to be the opposite of Moldova. So that concerns me very much.

On a really cool note, my Mom sent me a picture of her breakfast yesterday. She had a smoothie made of egg whites, banana, and sugar free orange juice. She plans on replaced one meal a day with a healthy, natural, protein laden smoothie. I am so proud of her! That is a big step for my Mom. She loves mayonnaise, butter, salt, sugar, and bread. Hope that her determination rubs off on me a bit. Maybe we can motivate each other. So excited to go home, see my family, let my family see my “new” body, and grow more healthy with my family. :)

When someone you love has depression


This post rings with truth.

Originally posted on It Goes On:

Often when speaking with someone who suffers depression they comment that those they love ‘just don’t understand’. The sufferer struggles then with feeling as if they have failed the people that they love and therefore they metaphorically beat themselves up about it and sink further into the depressive state.
I guess when you are on the outside looking in, you have no comprehension of why the person you love is feeling the way they do. After all, they have every reason to be happy – so why aren’t they?

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5 ways to be more confident

Originally posted on Flux and Flow:


This applies to everyone. I don’t care who you are, you could be Oprah or the Queen of England. Everyone needs a little help feeling confident every once in a while. I came across a list similar to this online and I fell in love with it, so I wanted to share it with you guys!

  1. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stay focused on yourself and your goals.
  2. Relax. Go with the flow and stop stressing over the little things.
  3. Love yourself. You’re a gift, you’re special, you matter. Nothing would be the same if you didn’t exist, so embrace your existence!
  4. Be positive and look for the good in every situation.
  5. Do what you love. Life is far too short to waste your time doing anything else.

Have a great day! Get out there, be your best you, and don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life…

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