What Is This? Happiness?


Writing this seems almost taboo, but I feel happy. The laughter is genuine. The smiles are real. Emotions are being felt. In fact, emotions are having to be relearned. Each one is still surprising and new in some ways. The whole thing is kind of strange actually, yet it is still totally awesome. There is a fear that typing this out will somehow bring about another episode of depression. If by some strange force that happens to be the case, it will be fine. There will be another bought of depression. There always will be another one. Perhaps that is why this feeling of happiness is so amazing and important. I don’t know what the next hour, tomorrow, or next week will be like. The truth is, I have little control over the majority of the future. So for right now, I am going to embrace this ability to feel.

The best part of feeling again is just feeling alive. My family is into quoting movies. Yep, we are that family. Today, my Dad and I sent movie quotes back and forth through Facebook messenger until we couldn’t think of anymore. We actually only quoted from The Lion King. I for one was very impressed with our mass knowledge of the film.

The neighbors’ son came over to read today. He and his family are leaving for vacation this evening. He asked if he could give me a hug. I kid you not, I was afraid of that hug. The only people who are allowed to touch me at all is my family. I haven’t seen them in almost seven months, so there has been little to no human contact in that time. I said yes, not really knowing what feelings to expect. He wrapped his seven year old arms around me and held on so tight. Then he gave me a kiss and asked for a piece of gum. I asked him if he hugged me for gum. He said nope; he did it because he loves me. I could have died right then. I am so hard on him and sometimes wonder if he still likes me at all. If only moments like that could be bottled up, just as they are at that exact moment.

Both the hug and the messages reminded me that I am alive. “Alive” has not been a present feeling in a long time. It is still shocking to hear myself laugh. There is almost a need to look around and see if anybody else heard it. Not sure if that is looking for confirmation or disapproval. A month ago, I didn’t want to live. Life didn’t even seem plausible. Today, the story is completely different, and I am going to enjoy today. That doesn’t mean bad times won’t come, or that the anxiety is under control, or that all the weight has been lost, a husband has been found, world wide hunger has been ended, or that anything is perfect. But there is a chance to live to see some of that happen. Life can be good. (Now if I can just get my brain to stop cringing at everything that is written here. I think she is afraid.)

What are some things that remind you that you are indeed alive? Thanks for reading. Cheers!

Success!


The three hours of standing yesterday was actually much easier than previously thought. In fact, it was a very successful feat. Productivity increased drastically. Looking back, it makes me very sad that I didn’t try this much sooner. There is no telling what could have been accomplished. Standing also gave the body more energy. I learned though that I lean on the left leg, so posture and stance need to be improved. Extremely satisfied with the experiment. Were more calories burned? Can’t really say for sure. Did I like it enough to do it again today? Absolutely!

Looking forward to another day of attempted healthiness. Thanks for reading. Cheers!

I don’t think teachers know what they’re doing.


nicoleparish1018:

This is absolutely beautiful. What a description for teachers to live up to! It takes quite a bit to bring tears to my eyes. This post was very successful in doing just that. As a teacher, this is the kind of legacy I want to live. Praise the Lord for teachers who see their job as a calling and not just an occupation or career. Thanks for a wonderful post!

Originally posted on women with worth - w3:

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At my triplets 4th birthday party our middle triplet got a tummy ache. She was standing in the middle of our living room when she got “the look”. It was all coming up. As she began to throw up her preschool teacher flew across the room (seriously, I think she had a super hero cape on) and actually caught my daughters vomit in her hands.

“Um did you just catch my daughters vomit?”

“Yes, what was I else was I supposed to do?”

She then spent the next few minutes helping me clean up what made its way to the floor and what made its way on to my daughter.

Sacrifice.

That was my first experience with one of my children’s teachers going way beyond their job description.It wasn’t my last and I can bet that there will be many more.

A few weeks ago two of my teenaged daughter’s…

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Healthy Is A Way Of Life


I decided it was time to up the health game a bit. As silly as it may sound, today’s goal is to stand for at least three hours. Most of my job requires sitting. The majority of my classes are small groups. We generally sit around a table and do our lessons. When I am not teaching, time is spent sitting at a table working on lessons. Overall, it is just way too much sitting. We supposedly burn more calories while standing versus sitting. The only science I have of such an idea is what the Google search said. Either way, the best way to become more active is to start being more active. That sounds like a very “duh” kind of statement but it really is true. We will see how this works. :)

Because there is not a desk or a table tall enough to stand and work at, my work area is now a windowsill, which awesomely enough is just wide enough for my laptop. There is plenty of space for all my books and work materials. It seems a bit awkward as anyone walking by can see the crazy American girl working in the windowsill, but it should be worth it.

What steps do you take in an attempt to be more active on a daily basis? Do you ever get any strange looks from others? Thanks for reading! Cheers!

What A Day


Overslept this morning. Didn’t make it the morning service. Listened to a couple of excellent sermons from home. Honestly that was probably more beneficial for me than attending church anyway. That sounds so bad. At church I am so anxious that I can barely breathe much less translate what the preacher is saying. That makes me feel like a total failure which causes more anxiety. Had a good morning and a great afternoon. Accomplished a lot of writing which is always a great thing. Got ready for church. The kids were running around, screaming, and playing in the foyer. My mind couldn’t handle it. I just wanted to disappear.

Social cues are terribly difficult for me to pick up on. I need people to tell me what they want and what they need. Don’t know if I am just too selfish or what but I have always been like this. As we were getting in the van outside there was a bit of shuffling around. I grew confused and managed to embarrass myself. Before we even made it too church I thought the end was coming. An anxiety attack has never happened at church. Pretty sure I was closer this evening than I ever have been. Shaking, tingling, sweating, barely breathing, nauseous, and on the verge of tears, I survived. I hated every minute but I survived.

The hardest part was after church. I looked back over some posts from the good times. That was crushing. How can there be two sides of me that are completely opposite?

Interestingly enough, I also cooked the third most horrible dish I have ever cooked. When I was about eleven, I made a mayonnaise chocolate cake. Yes, that is actually a real thing. It was terrible! Around the same time, my deep affection for garlic gave me the idea of butter and garlic mac and cheese. No. Just, no. Tonight I made “pancakes” with bananas and eggs. Those were the only two ingredients. They were supposed to be mashed together then cooked like regular pancakes. They were disgusting. I ate them anyway. Somehow I cannot throw out food. You live and you learn. I also managed to eat very terribly today. I will not be angry at myself because of it. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. It could be good.

Hey you. Yes, you. Thanks for reading!

Let’s Talk


This post contains a brief mention of self harm.


Aren’t you ready for the medication?

So much. In 32 days I will get some.

What if it doesn’t work?

Then I will try something else.

What else can you try? Punching people in the face when they irritate you? Becoming even more of a hermit than you already are? You have done basically everything.

Calm down! I don’t know what else I can do. But that doesn’t matter right now. At this moment I have hope that the medication will be good.

You have too much hope. You know that is not the way life goes.

That is ok, ’cause I think you are too negative. Life has many ups and downs. Right now I am in a down. That has to mean an up is coming in the near future.

You know everyone is just waiting for you give up, quit, run home to Mommy and Daddy. You could just save yourself some time if you give up now.

That is one of the great things about life ya know, that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. In my opinion, if they are expecting me to fail, they are all wrong.

What are you going to do about your scars?

What scars?

The ones you gave yourself from your self harm adventures.

Do you have to worry all the time about everything? I’m not doing anything about them. They are a part of me now just like any other part of my body. I could hate them but that really seems like a waste of time and effort.

Don’t you feel exposed though, like instead of the scars being under your clothes, they are actually all over your face where everyone can see them?

Yeah. Sometimes. You know, I could be wrong, but you might have a whole lot to do with my depression. Or maybe you are actually the depression itself. Never thought of you that way before.

…..

Interesting, you seem to have nothing to say now.


So this is a conversation that seemed to be stuck on replay in my mind. For some reason it needed to be written. I think the ending was probably why it needed to come out. Somehow I feel a bit enlightened. This probably only adds to the idea that I might be a bit on the strange/crazy side, but that is ok. I actually have no problem with people thinking that if they would like to. I know the truth. Thanks for reading!

Relationships And Depression


Relationships are difficult enough without adding the speed-bump of depression. After depression is added, bring on the Vodka. The most difficult aspect of relationships for me is knowing the difference between what is real and what is blurred by the depression. For example, my neighbor and I are great friends. I trust her. The last week and half, things have felt extremely weird and tense between us. Our conversations have been the same. We have spent time together. We went to the city together a few days ago. Everything has been terribly awkward though. Until today. Today we worked together to clean a dining room, wash dishes, and set a table. Things felt normal between us. I came back to the safe place, my apartment, and breathed a sigh of relief. But what changed? Was it my perception or was there actually a problem? I have wanted to ask her for several days now if there was a problem between us, but it felt forced and strange to ask. Would she feel overly analyzed? Would she think I was weird to even ask a question like that? Would I be able to handle the answer if she could offer one? Things are fine for now. Hopefully they will stay that way.

How do you think depression changes relationships and the way they are viewed? How do you keep relationships in perspective? Thanks for reading!

Write On!


Part of me identifies as a writer. The passion is there. The desire exists. The talent can be worked on. Seeing other writers, bloggers, and talented people present their work can be intimidating. That should never stop anyone though. The glorious aspect of having a plethora of different writers is that there is also an unlimited audience. There is an audience for every writer. That is a beautiful thing. What is the purpose of this post? I am really not sure. The thought that there will always be someone to read the writing is very encouraging to me. Hopefully it will be for you too. Thanks for reading!

Sleep – Friend Or Foe?


Sleep and I are not as close as we once were. Last night, upon ingesting melatonin and a Tylenol PM capsule, good sleep came for about two hours. Midnight struck and so did the end of my good night’s rest. Sleep did not return until 5:30 this morning. This is the most current battle with sleep, but lately it has become a real problem. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, sleep will not stay with me. Part of depression? Because of stress? What is the deal? Regardless of what the problem is, looking forward to it being resolved. Sleep is a good thing.

Do you often have trouble with sleep? If so, what do you do to resolve the issues? Thanks for reading!