The Warning Signs Are There


Warning: This post contains very detailed and descriptive talk of self harm and also a mention of suicide. Please be careful. Warning.

 

Recently self harm has become a very common practice for me. The problem is the space. I am not a small lady, but in my opinion there are only certain places that are good to cut. The thighs are excellent. The wrist and the inside of the elbow are fantastic. Sometimes the sides and hips are good. I have cut on all those places already. My favorite by far is the inside of the elbow area. The skin is extremely thin and the blood comes to the surface very quickly.

Because it is Summer time, cuts on the wrist and inside of the arm would be easily noticed. Or so I thought. No one has questioned the cuts on my wrist. They haven’t noticed the longer sleeves or the way the sleeves are nervously pulled down every few seconds. Part of me wonders how you don’t notice cuts and scratches throughout someone’s body. I also cut on the inside of both ankles. There aren’t many cuts there, but they are there. Do people think it a coincidence that one person can have so many scratches on various body parts?

It kind of makes me sad that people are so focused on other parts of life that they don’t notice what could be something big for others. At the same time, who can blame them? If cutting or self harm is not an issue they have dealt before, how would they know what to look for? As someone who does deal with this, I am constantly looking for warning signs in other people. There are many tell tale signs that are often overlooked.

I feel like if people were more aware, maybe more people could be helped. Somehow I feel as if my cutting is under control. Today I will not cut. I already want to, but the old wounds need to heal up some first. The fact that the wounds can be stroked and patted to induce some pain is helpful. I don’t feel addicted. But I also feel that having a history of cutting made entertaining thoughts of suicide easier. Perhaps I am wrong. These are just my  thoughts.

Sometimes I take pictures of the cuts. Looking at them brings back the feelings of the moment and relaxation, maybe even comfort. I have thought several times what it would be like to show my neighbor the cuts. There are many ways I imagine she would react, though the reality probably wouldn’t be as fun as my fantasies. :)

Anyway, just something that needed to be expressed. The blog is usually a good place to do that.

4 thoughts on “The Warning Signs Are There

  1. How honest you’ve been in this post. Cutting isnt an easy subject to talk about. I want to say you were very brave to express your truth. Keep it up! we struggle with cutting also. Its hard to live with. Many people dont understand the depth of pain you have to contend with that would make you want to self harm. I hope your ok. XXX <3

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  2. I admit that I’m one of those people who wouldn’t have any idea what to look for in terms of signs that someone might be self-harming. You are being so brave in writing about it, though. Is there any possibility that you might be able to share a little more with your neighbor? Maybe you wouldn’t be ready to share everything, but would it help if she knew at least in general that you’re having a difficult time? It seems like you’re a bit conflicted about your connection with her so maybe she wouldn’t be a good person to open up to…just a thought.

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    • Totally conflicted about our connection but certainly on no part of hers. It is my fault. She is a wonderful friend. My neighbor also works for the same organization that I do. The fear is that she would see the need to tell our boss, which would in turn get me pulled off the field here. That cannot happen. I want to be here. As a human I am not perfect but know I am good at the job.

      Thank you for your kind words and your comment! :)

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