Too Much Information – You’ve Been Warned

This blog post contains some sexual content.

My dear boyfriend and I have been together about a month. He is wonderful, fantastic, beautiful, hilarious, mine, and I love him. We are both still virgins. We fool around several times a week. Earlier this week, we were going hot and heavy. We were heading for sex. It was awesome. Neither of us have any experience whatsoever. It was challenging. He didn’t stay hard.

This whole ordeal was difficult for me. I am about 313 pounds right now. I have recently lost forty pounds and am continuing to work out and eat well. He says he is attracted to me. He promises he is. But he couldn’t stay stimulated? This was the very first time he, or any man, had ever seen me naked. It was scary. It was difficult. I don’t think I do it for him. ( We had been at it a while when he “lost interest”. But still!)

So on top of that, he doesn’t touch me. I love to have my hands on him. If he had the choice, I think we would never touch. Even last night, when he was hugging me, he leaned out of the hug like he was afraid to touch my fat belly.

I am a very sexual person. I am ready all the time. He doesn’t even seem to think about sex or sexual things unless he is already “started”. Sometimes I come on to him and he doesn’t even care. I want this man! He doesn’t even care that I exist sexually.

When he and I started dating, I finally felt attractive again. I feel less attractive now than I ever have. Unattractive and frustrated! What does a girl have to do around here to get some?

We have only been dating for a little while. I feel like we could be happy together. I would like to marry  him, and he is thinking along the same lines. Would we be doing ourselves an injustice? Could he be embarrassed that he couldn’t stay ready? Could he feel inadequate in some way? I think he has an amazing body and personal areas and I tell him all the time. The whole situation just makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend, woman, and lover. Depression is knocking at my door. Right now I want to hide under the covers and just never come out.

If you have chosen to read this, and notice that there are many spelling or grammar errors, I am sorry. I really just wanted to vent. Please don’t judge. Cheers! 🙂

A Little Bit Lower Now

In first grade, two boys called me fat for the first time. In sixth grade I weighed about 220 pounds. That weight increased about thirty pounds in the next few years. In college the number escalated to over 285 pounds. I have never known what it is like to not be fat. I weighed today. I lost a little over two pounds this week and am at 242.8 pounds. In about twenty pounds, I will be at the same weight I was at the age of twelve. It is blowing my mind. In fact, I don’t really know how to react to this. There is much pride. I am so proud of myself for making this progress all on my own. There is no dietician or trainer. It is just me and myfitnesspal.com plus some FitnessBlender videos.

In reality I know there is still 82 pounds to my final goal weight. But still, being down over forty pounds is pretty amazing. I have much more confidence and self worth. Not for a minute should a someone’s self worth be dependent on any number. That would be very sad. But the increase in self confidence seems to stem from the success. I have lost weight like this before, when I was dating a man. After a dreadful break up, I gained all the weight back plus about 25 more pounds. This time though, the motivation is mostly for health reasons. My parents deal with many health issues that are only worsened by excess weight. If they had been healthy at my age, maybe they wouldn’t struggle as badly now.

This whole process is so cool. I can’t wait to show my family the improvements in person. Skype only shows so much. Even now, I keep catching different views of my body and I don’t even recognize it. It is weird and amazing at the same time. My goal while at home is to lose at least five pounds as I will be there for five weeks. That would put the number at 237.8. We will see! The next big number for me will be 220. I cannot wait to get there. After that, under 200 is the goal. Then it is basically a straight shot to 160. Realistically, the weight loss will probably slow as the numbers get smaller. The time will pass either way. Might as well be getting healthier through it all.

According to society, I am still fat. In my mind, I have come a long way. There is still a ways to go, but it is just all a part of the journey. Cheers!

We Would Accept You, But You Are Fat

We are all different. Diversity is just one of the many facts of life that make living enjoyable. Society today seems to scream for people to accept that which is different. Feel free to be what you are. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Love who you want. But don’t be fat.

Being overweight is not new to me. The first time I realized it was a “problem” was in first grade. Two boys said I was fat. Until that point, I didn’t know. Their names and faces are still remembered. The seed of hurt and fear was planted. Fast forward about seventeen years.Not much changed. The bullies have always been around. I am still fat. I still feel that hurt and fear of rejection on a daily basis. But why?

Why does society hate fat so much? This is not just true for adults. The children are the same. Yesterday the neighbor’s son said these words to me, “You probably don’t want to ride the bus because you don’t want people to see you like that. With a big belly”. My sweet sister, who is only fourteen, was told by a boy this week that he would never like her because she is fat.” Where does this come from?

In class a few days ago, one of the students said something about a cow. Playing around with them and trying to interact, I asked, “Where is a cow?” The room erupted in laughter and the student hung her head. Why the sad and hurtful jokes?

If a person is comfortable with how they feel and how they look, who they are, how could someone tell them they are wrong? I agree that being overweight is not the best for one’s health. At this point I am eating healthy foods and trying to be active. Gluten free is the way for me. Is it so I can be more attractive or to fit the social demands? No. I want to be healthier and live longer.

Why should I feel badly though? If one is not attracted to a certain body type that is understandable. Putting down that body type is wrong though. I like me. Supermodel status has yet to be attained, but I like me. I like my slightly chubby arms and thighs. I like that my face is a little full. Are there things I would change? Absolutely. Ask anyone,  no matter his or her size. Everyone has something they don’t like about themselves.

I just don’t understand the need for the hate. If we spent as much time loving, encouraging, and helping as we spend criticizing and hating, the world would be a much better place. Why should a person’s value be determined by clothes, size, sexuality, color, nationality, gender,education, or religion? No one deserves the hate.

 

I’m Busy And I Know It!

Whew! What a week! The ministry here has hosted a conference for local preachers this week. It has been relatively small with about twenty-five pastors attending, and about seven staying the night. For us this has meant much cooking, much cleaning, and a whole lot of work! Work is beautiful. The busier the mind is the less time it has to be plagued with its normal demons.

Along with all this work has come a surplus of socializing. I have spent much time in the kitchen and talking with people I don’t really know. In America this would not be a problem. I understand how things work in an American kitchen. The  Moldovan kitchen is much different. Instead of being able to freely move about and do what needs to be done, I have to ask before anything is done and wait for instructions. That is difficult. This becomes more difficult when ninety-nine percent of the other workers speak only Romanian. I am learning Romanian but I feel so alone when understanding my surroundings is almost impossible.

I irritate the other workers. I know I do. They give strange looks, and one likes to ignore me as much as possible. I am physically and emotionally tired. Being so busy has left little time to filter through the thoughts and emotions, so they are kind of just here.

In four days I will be leaving for a visit with my family. This alone brings many challenges to the table. Leaving a place so loved only to return to a people so loved, such conflict was not invited or expected.

Anyway, when nervous my body likes to sweat. This is terrible and ridiculous. If it were not so visible there wouldn’t be a problem, but everyone can see the sweat pouring from my face. It is gross. It is unattractive. It is embarrassing.

A few minutes ago I decided it was time for a break. Once the current task was finished, I left. There was no hunger. Off to my kitchen I went anyway. Out came the peanut butter, the crackers, and the frosting, as well as two pieces of candy, and two cups of tea. I am an emotional eater. This has been a well understood fact for years. Today, for the first time though, I realized something about myself. I always thought about emotional eating as eating when one is sad. This is not all emotional eating is though. Today I feel nervous, sad, scared, beyond anxious, out of place, exposed, alone, inferior, inept, stupid, and a host of other emotions. After finishing quite a bit of junk food, I thought back to yesterday. How was my eating yesterday? For the most part, it wasn’t bad. Except for the times spent in the kitchen. One of my tasks was to cut the bread. Throughout the day I ate more bread than I would dare admit.  I didn’t realize it until today, but I eat when experiencing a variety of emotions.

At first this was defeating. Depression brings with her a host of difficulties, one of which being anxiety. If eating occurs every time there is anxiety, no wonder I am fat! The second feeling was relief. I am now aware that I eat like a hippo when anxious. This is something which can now be avoided. Maybe I should have known all this earlier, but I didn’t. Now I do. Now I have the obligation to decide what to do about it. Will I just keep eating, or will I learn a new way to stay calm during stressful situations? Hopefully there will be progress. Maybe changing what is eaten will help too. There is a bowl of beautiful apples on the same table in which the junk food was consumed. A better choice would have been an apple or two. Adding some peanut butter would not have been a bad move. Water would have been a better choice. One piece of candy is acceptable.

The past is over. Not a thing can be done about what has been eaten, but the future is a new place with all sorts of possibilities and successes.

As I finished this post, I realized I was biting my nails the entire time. Yes I know it is gross. One more item on the list of things that need correcting.

Tired but trying to thrive,

Nicole