What do I know about recovery? -Probably not very much. But here is my take on it never the less.
Recovery is different for everyone. There has been an almost palpable change in me over the course of each passing day for about the last week. A week ago today, my family was unaware of my bad decisions. The next day, I would tell them. Constantly handing out untruths was killing me. The next three days would be spent in a battle. My family and I argued. I argued with myself. My ex and I cried together. Saturday, I told him bye. He never responded. Sunday, I went to church. Sunday night I had a breakdown of sorts. Monday, I decided to change. Today, I feel awake for the first time in months.
The freedom I sought was only found after I had been to the end of myself. Today is the first day in over a week that I have not shoveled in the anxiety medication. There are moments that I lose it. I still miss him. I want to be with him and feel his arms around me. But I can’t. That is the past.
Recovery indicates a previous positive state. It also indicates a lesser state. I have been to both places. Who knows how long the good will last? I assume, probably as long as I am willing to work at it. I opened my blinds today. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I played with my dog and talked with a friend. These are all things that had fallen by the way side. But I’m back.
At twenty five years old, I can’t possibly know what my future actually holds. It seems I have patterns of extremes. I am either fantastic, or basically dying. But I can change that. I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I want perfection. Realistically, it will never be mine. That is ok. I will learn to accept that. I will remember that life is all about what I can teach someone else, but also what I can learn.
None of us are required to always “have it all together”. We can’t. At some point, we should look ourselves in the mirror and remind ourselves that we are important. We are special. We deserve happiness. We are beautiful. We are lovable.
I don’t consider all this to be over. I know I am just getting started. But there is a vastness ahead of me, and for the first time in a while, it seems conquerable. Surely I have used this illustration before, but I can use it again. No one seems to be complaining. As a kid, my sister and I would have little competitions to see who could hold their breath under water for the longest period of time. There comes a point where your lungs are burning and your body screams for oxygen. So you go to the top, where the air is, and you breathe. I feel like that first, good, deep breath. Breathe with me.
I didn’t even read back over or edit this. Please don’t hate me.