The Reality is…


I am depressed. This is a more difficult time than I have had in a long time. I am also hysterically thankful, for many things and some people. My job is so great. It is reliable. There are only a handful of people that need be dealt with on a daily basis. I am fairly decent at it. My sister is such an amazing person. She is a huge reason I am here to write today. Mostly, at this moment, I am thankful for my boyfriend. He is great. He loves me and allows me to feel whatever I’m feeling. He doesn’t ask for a mask. He doesn’t always realize when he is getting one, but that is exactly how I want it. Then again, he catches on sometimes before I do. Last weekend, he realized I was having an anxiety attack before I realized it was coming. He holds me through them and dries my tears after. He is tender and loving in ways I never dreamed. The reality is, life sucks. The reality is, some parts are amazing.

Happy New….. No. This Is A Rant.


This blog has basically become a place I can go when I forget who I am. I don’t often find myself here, but the occasion does arise. This is one such occasion. There is a ton of information,recent past occurrences, to share. Brevity will be a great friend to us.

The couch, the television, kitchen table, chairs, bed, basically even the car… they are all loans. About a month ago I found myself out of my parents’ home. Soon after, an apartment was attained. So far, all the bills have been paid on time. There have been no major situations that couldn’t be handled. I still feel like I such at being an adult. So, look around with me. The majority of everything in my apartment is loaned. I am dating a married man. His wife consents. They have an open marriage. His wife and step daughter are sitting on my couch. They have been for the last two hours. This is a common situation. Keep looking. I am in two day old clothes. The floor is in need of a mop. The walls lack color.

Realistically, I am doing well. Good health, sweet man, sweet substitute family, good real family, amazing sister, and a blessing of a job with wonderful people… I know this one of the good times. But this is 2017, New Years Day. This is a time of reflection and resolution. I am so thankful for the things listed above.There are many who have far less than I do, and are thankful for all they have.

I just feel so lost and scared. Does that ever stop? Will there be a moment when the picture is full of exclamation points and periods instead of question marks? Maybe the thoughts are far too large. Perhaps, its not about the entire picture. Perhaps I should be thinking in moments. Even the moments seem fast and fleeting.

Lately, my mind is unstable, to say the least. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am scared of their reaction. Usually people either brush the thought off as if it were no problem. They move on to something more interesting and prettier. Or, people smother and fear. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want either one of those.

Lately I have been having about one anxiety attack a week. This is certainly not bad compared to my past and compared to some people’s present situation. For me, it is terrifying. I am so scared of moving back towards who I was in the past. The medication certainly takes the brunt of the situation. Even with the medication, my thoughts tend to be blatantly overwhelming. I can’t go back to the places I have been before.

So how do I take control? How do I kick these people off my couch at 11:00 at night? How do I understand my emotions? How do I work towards financial stability? Will I ever like who I am? Can a person gain confidence and hope?

I am just tired. I feel used and useless. I don’t know where to go from here and what to do. Usually, for me at least, this is the best time to keep going but make no drastic moves. If these are just fleeting emotions, eventually they will go away. If something truly needs to change, it will come to the forefront.

Selfishly, I just wish I could know I am doing ok. How do I know I’m not screwing absolutely everything up? Does it even matter? Someone contact Dan Howell. There are some real existential feelings hiding here. He would get it.

There are a ton of “I’s” in this little rant. I know. I’m selfish and self focused. I am super aware. The voices and my Dad won’t let me forget. I just wanted somewhere safe to explode and explore.

If you manage to somehow read this far, please forgive me for the lack of editing. Sometimes everything just needs to come out. Usually when it all comes out quickly, I hate to read and edit. Yes, a true sign of laziness.

Thank you for reading. Cheers as we all survive and thrive!

Also, said wife and child are about to leave. I give up.

 

 

 

 

Care To Share Your Opinion?


Sometimes you come to a point in your life that you need something big to happen. All the thoughts and the feelings become too much and you would do anything for a taste of peace. Then you meet a guy on the internet. He has a past, but doesn’t everyone. He is 54, and you are only 25. He has been married twice and has a kid with a woman to whom he was not married. He is currently living in his truck, but will soon be moving into an apartment. He lives clear across the country, and he has a proposition for you. He wants you to come live with him and have his babies. You are almost to the point of saying yes. Because at this point there is nothing left to lose. You want kids. You need some adventure. You want the affection. You need to do something with your little life.

I know this sounds crazy, but I just need to do something. Still living with my parents. Need to move out. This would definitely get me out and independent. This could be amazing, or this could ruin my life. Can’t think clearly. Feeling scared and stuck.

I Do Not Know


Today has been a bad day. Within minutes of waking up there was that familiar pull of anxiety. My mind is cloudy. Talking or writing about it seems pointless, but I am really not sure how else to deal with my thoughts. I don’t have the energy to type out everything that has been going on the last two weeks. But I am tired. I am frustrated. I am lost as to how to further myself and make good life long decisions. I don’t want to make the wrong decisions. Is there even a way to know if the decisions are good? So many voices and pulls. I don’t know how to isolate the facts, remove selective bias, and understand which is the right path. I want to just make my own decisions and not need to worry about others being hurt. Why does it seem someone always must be injured? I am so tired. Emotionally drained. Mentally done. Sad. Oh so sad. My heart cries on the inside, but my eyes won’t participate. My body is disconnected as is my mind. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Reminds me of a song. Iamdynamite  sings a song called Where will we go. These are the lyrics to the chorus:

Where will we go
I’ve got no bright idea
I’ve got no bright idea
Where we go this time
Where will we go
I’ve got no bright idea
Where we go, I don’t know
Til the last good time
Source: <a href=”http://www.elyrics.net/read/i/iamdynamite-lyrics/where-will-we-go-lyrics.html”>click here</a>

Once Upon A Time, Sadness Had A Friend


Sadness is a strange little being. He hangs out with his friend depression. They share many similarities, but sadness knows depression is stronger. He never really has understood why depression showed up in the first place. Sometimes she, depression, will disappear for a while or at maybe forget to call. He hangs on, knowing she will return. Often she will even bring something back for him. She has already gifted him with past regrets, worries, and anxieties.

Sadness has learned that his dear depression is entirely unpredictable and completely over the top. This causes problems with many of his friends and family. Happiness, joy, peace, and productivity can’t stand depression. When she’s around, they quickly flee.

Sadness has seen depression in many states. She has been strong and voracious, willingly eliminating anyone in her path. She has been weak, only a whisper of confusion at times. Regardless of her current strength, sadness finds he is always depleted of energy and authenticity when depression seeks him out. If it weren’t for the lack of light, sadness believes he might could gain his energy and over take her. She convinces him though, that they are better as partners.

So he continues. Every now and then he catches a ray of hope. How he loves hope. She offers an entirely new outlook on everything. She is difficult to summon. She is shy. She can’t be bought and she is seldom developed without a strong catalyst. But sadness looks for hope. He knows when hope is around, depression is a little less likely to show up.

Sadness doesn’t know how to deal with all his issues. He doesn’t know how to keep depression away. He doesn’t think he can keep her away. He tries to spend as much time as he can with hope. He does the best he can. The best never seems to be good enough.

I Wish!


Rub the lamp, out pops the genie, the wishes are offered… What do you do?

Make a wish of course! Today, the wish would be for a way to clear the mind. What legal way is there to just allow the mind to pause all its fretting and dread? Some might suggest mediation, yoga, working out, music, coloring, and many more. These activities still don’t offer the type of numbness of which I wish.

The closest thing perhaps, would be sleep. Even she is a cruel being. How often do the weary seek rest only to be plagued with unpleasant dreams or even nightmares? Where is this true rest found? I don’t know, but if to wish such a thing were possible, I would.

Then I would hope the nice little genie is offering some more wishes. 🙂

Reality Says


Possibly sensitive issues to follow. If you are under 18 or might be triggered by talk of pregnancy, please skip this one if you will. Thank you.

Reality says the timing would suck. Reality says custody battle. Reality screams the words “unfit mother”, quite a bit. My friend reality reminds me that I can’t even get things together on this end, and that adding a baby would only make things more difficult. I know what reality says.

My little heart wanted that pregnancy test to be positive. I know it would probably be terrible for so  many reasons, but I wanted to be a mommy. Just the possibility there could be a little one inside me made everything a little more clear.

The test says there is no baby. I can test again in a couple of days I suppose. The reality is that any baby I would have at this time in my life would already start out struggling. He or she would be severely loved though. But love doesn’t pay the bills or buy the diapers.

I just wanted so badly for the test to say yes.

Connect. Connecting. Connection. Connected


Our hearts beat with a need to be connected. We all have our own connections. These connections branch off into other connections. Where does it end? Are we ever filled, satisfied with being connected as we are?

Perhaps to be satisfied is to lack a desire to move forward, a lack of desire to connect. Every person needs to connect with someone. Are we connecting? Are we forming proper connections with human kind, or are we just passing each other by without a second thought? Are we connected or are we self focused?

What if each person decided to reach out and connect with another person on a consistent basis? Would the world drastically change? Maybe not for entire countries or on a large scale. Maybe for one person, the world could be better through one connection.

May we take the time be to connected to something and someone bigger than ourselves. May we connect inwardly, and then take the time to connect outwardly, looking up and out. We achieve nothing without a connection.

Maybe you are waiting for that connection. You could be at the end of yourself, just waiting for someone to reach out and connect with you. Don’t give up, please. Keep holding on. Keep reaching out. The connection will come. Here is one. Take it if some help you might find.

Realistically, few people will read this post. That is fine. May we, whoever does read this, understand the importance of connecting with others. We may be what connects one person from the darkness back into a world of hope. Cheers!

I Wanted Words


In my extremist way, I tried the online dating thing. I won’t go into all the details at this moment. I will say this though, people should not determine your value. I can’t tell you how many guys stopped talking to me if I told them they wouldn’t be receiving any pictures or videos from me. It made me feel cheap and worthless.

Breaking up with my sweet ex….

He never responded. My parents told me was only using me. I didn’t believe it. They told me I was his unpaid prostitute. I didn’t listen. I still don’t believe the terrible things they spewed about this precious man. I broke up with him through a text. Please, Please people, don’t hate me or judge me. If you do decide to hate and judge, just please don’t do it in the comments. I just couldn’t look into his eyes and tell him bye. I tried. It didn’t work. For my sake, I ended it through a text. He didn’t respond.

Its that lack of response that makes me doubt and wonder if my parents were right. I know he wouldn’t have tried to change my mind. He wouldn’t have tried to talk me out of my decision. But nothing? Every time my phone rings I want it to be him, saying anything at all. But there is nothing. Even if he cursed me and my family and said he would rather me be dead, would that be better than nothing?

So I wonder. But the reality is, no matter his motivations in his relationship with me; no matter his feelings towards me; my value is the same. He doesn’t get to decide how I feel about myself. He doesn’t determine my worth. I would still love to see him one more time or know how he is doing. I would even love to know if he has already found someone else to sleep with. But I can’t. And that is fine.

I do hope that the next girl he sees will know that she is worth more than anything she can give a man. I hope he and his wife can find a way to work through their marriage without a third or fourth party being involved. I hope that, should I ever be blessed with a daughter, she will make better choices than I have.  But I am still worth something. I am worth a lot. God says so. You are worth a lot too, regardless of what anyone would try to make you think. I hope you understand and believe in your value.

I definitely didn’t read through or edit this one either. Forgive me. I’m not lazy. I just don’t want to reread my writing today. 🙂

 

Some Odd Ramble


What do I know about recovery? -Probably not very much. But here is my take on it never the less. 🙂

Recovery is different for everyone. There has been an almost palpable change in me over the course of each passing day for about the last week. A week ago today, my family was unaware of my bad decisions. The next day, I would tell them. Constantly handing out untruths was killing me. The next three days would be spent in a battle. My family and I argued. I argued with myself. My ex and I cried together. Saturday, I told him bye. He never responded. Sunday, I went to church. Sunday night I had a breakdown of sorts. Monday, I decided to change. Today, I feel awake for the first time in months.

The freedom I sought was only found after I had been to the end of myself. Today is the first day in over a week that I have not shoveled in the anxiety medication. There are moments that I lose it. I still miss him. I want to be with him and feel his arms around me. But I can’t. That is the past.

Recovery indicates a previous positive state. It also indicates a lesser state. I have been to both places. Who knows how long the good will last? I assume, probably as long as I am willing to work at it. I opened my blinds today. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I played with  my dog and talked with a friend. These are all things that had fallen by the way side. But I’m back.

At twenty five years old, I can’t possibly know what my future actually holds. It seems I have patterns of extremes. I am either fantastic, or basically dying. But I can change that. I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I want perfection. Realistically, it will never be mine. That is ok. I will learn to accept that. I will remember that life is all about what I can teach someone else, but also what I can learn.

None of us are required to always “have it all together”. We can’t. At some point, we should look ourselves in the mirror and remind ourselves that we are important. We are special. We deserve happiness. We are beautiful. We are lovable.

I don’t consider all this to be over. I know I am just getting started. But there is a vastness ahead of me, and for the first time in a while, it seems conquerable. Surely I have used this illustration before, but I can use it again. No one seems to be complaining. As a kid, my sister and I would have little competitions to see who could hold their breath under water for the longest period of time. There comes a point where your lungs are burning and your body screams for oxygen. So you go to the top, where the air is, and you breathe. I feel like that first, good, deep breath. Breathe with me.

I didn’t even read back over or edit this. Please don’t hate me. 🙂