I want to blog about anxiety, depression, my break up (s), relationships, unnecessary traditions, online dating, my desire to have children… the list is never ending. But the car is stopped at this point, what is the point? Where is the direction? What is the summation of it all?

I suppose if I knew, there would be nothing to learn, no reason to keep living, and no need for a tomorrow. This is evident though, I am tired from nothing, I am scared of nearly everything, and in the large scheme of life my matter is little.

Why could God not create a way for us to forget or a way for our minds to feel and think absolutely nothing for a time? Of course we sleep, but even then many of us are plagued by the life that seeps in through dreams. Dreams can sometimes be the worst. They scream realities that we fear to speak when awake.

No. Instead we enjoy the moments. We take in the small things. We hold hands with our loved ones, pat our children on the head (those of us who have children, and please note the lack of bitterness there), and block it all out through some means of mind numbing activity. Through all the television watching, ball game attending, drug using, alcohol drinking, sex having, money making, information learning,… the truth of our realities are still there.

I’m bitter, and a bit broken; and oh so tired of pretending everything is fine when my mind won’t leave me alone. On the same note, I know there are so many people out there today who suffer through this “holiday”. This weekend is much harder for some people, as they have given and sacrificed above and beyond anything asked. Thank you to those who served. Thank you to those who tolerate ridiculous, pointless whining when your heart is actually destroyed. Thank you to the men and women and everyone in between who ask for no recognition but deserve it the  most. There exists no accolade, and no words to match your giving. Thank you is what we humans tend to say, and that often encompasses exactly what can’t be said. So thank you.

Day Two

The thought that this morning would be better was wrong. This morning is not better. There aren’t tears, at least so far. But he is being missed. My heart is hurting. Contacting him would be so easy, but probably not the best choice. Relationships are tiring. Break ups seem to be exhausting. On top of the emotions, the last day and a half have been spent in a moderate binge. So now there is bloat and lack of self esteem to deal with. Just want him to be here again. Miss him. Tired. Want to hide. Wasn’t meant for relationships of any kind with any people. Want him to want me back. Want to know if he’s ok. He is probably absolutely fine. Hope so. Need a nap.

This Is The End

We broke up. I want kids, a husband, and a happy family. He wants a comfortable dating relationship, and someone to be there when he has “needs”. Breaking up with him was hard. He acted as if he didn’t really believe what I was telling him. He wanted to wait several years to be married and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to wait. We could have had a great life together, or at least, I think we could have.

This heartbreak is minor compared to many I’ve faced. It still hurts though. I admit that I mentioned marriage and commitment far to soon. But I also wasn’t the first to speak of them. I wish I had never said a word though. I suppose being honest is better than being hurt. I certainly wish no pain or malice towards him. He is a very special and beautiful human being. I wish I had never given him my affections though.

If there is one thing I love, it is having someone to depend on and someone to love. I loved loving him. I do love him now. It is a very different kind of love than I have experienced in the past. It is a love that speak highly of comfort and contentment instead of racing hearts and fast moves.

Rejection hurts. No matter how long the duration of a relationship, being told you aren’t acceptable is always painful. It sucks. He  made me feel like I could win over my anxiety. I wanted to help him be more confident. I suppose he was more confident than I thought as he took the time this morning to remind me that any pain I am feeling I bought upon myself.

I have no doubt I will love again. I just want a love that will last. I want to spend my life with someone. I want to have kids with someone. I want to spend my life reminding one person everyday, how special they actually are. I want someone I can depend on, and someone who will be strong. I want a beautiful love and look forward to finding it one day.




Too Much Information – You’ve Been Warned

This blog post contains some sexual content.

My dear boyfriend and I have been together about a month. He is wonderful, fantastic, beautiful, hilarious, mine, and I love him. We are both still virgins. We fool around several times a week. Earlier this week, we were going hot and heavy. We were heading for sex. It was awesome. Neither of us have any experience whatsoever. It was challenging. He didn’t stay hard.

This whole ordeal was difficult for me. I am about 313 pounds right now. I have recently lost forty pounds and am continuing to work out and eat well. He says he is attracted to me. He promises he is. But he couldn’t stay stimulated? This was the very first time he, or any man, had ever seen me naked. It was scary. It was difficult. I don’t think I do it for him. ( We had been at it a while when he “lost interest”. But still!)

So on top of that, he doesn’t touch me. I love to have my hands on him. If he had the choice, I think we would never touch. Even last night, when he was hugging me, he leaned out of the hug like he was afraid to touch my fat belly.

I am a very sexual person. I am ready all the time. He doesn’t even seem to think about sex or sexual things unless he is already “started”. Sometimes I come on to him and he doesn’t even care. I want this man! He doesn’t even care that I exist sexually.

When he and I started dating, I finally felt attractive again. I feel less attractive now than I ever have. Unattractive and frustrated! What does a girl have to do around here to get some?

We have only been dating for a little while. I feel like we could be happy together. I would like to marry  him, and he is thinking along the same lines. Would we be doing ourselves an injustice? Could he be embarrassed that he couldn’t stay ready? Could he feel inadequate in some way? I think he has an amazing body and personal areas and I tell him all the time. The whole situation just makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend, woman, and lover. Depression is knocking at my door. Right now I want to hide under the covers and just never come out.

If you have chosen to read this, and notice that there are many spelling or grammar errors, I am sorry. I really just wanted to vent. Please don’t judge. Cheers!:)

As Blue As The Sky… Or That Guy

I have a boyfriend… I think. Let’s call this guy “Blue”. Blue is a sweet guy. He finds me attractive even though I have a large amount of weight to get rid of. He has a consistent job. He knows way more about cars and engines than I could even imagine knowing.He is attractive in my opinion. He is nice.  Blue and I have agreed to date, but we haven’t even mentioned labels.

I understand that labels aren’t necessary. But I am finding myself scared of calling him my boyfriend. Dating scares me. I have been in love one and half times. The first guy I loved literally haunts my dreams and my thoughts. I will never have another chance with him. I know that. But my heart and mind won’t let him go. The half portion comes from a guy I loved but would never admit I loved until recently. Sadly, he too is a part of the past. Both of these guys amazed my little brain. They were smart, and sweet. They both understood me and were happy for me to be myself. I was at ease with these men the very first time I met them. They made my heart go wild and I might have even blushed. I miss that feeling of being completely comfortable with someone in such a way.

Realistically, I can’t expect Blue to be the same as the first two men, and I don’t. He is his own person. I know that. But so far, there is no instant connection. The level of understanding isn’t there. I wonder though, can I be with someone, love someone, without that chemistry? Maybe love at first sight is done for me. Maybe at this point in my life, I have to learn to fall in love with someone.

So there’s the fear. I am afraid that the excitement of young love is gone for me. I am only twenty five and still so very young. The first time I felt love was at twenty and then again at twenty three. So much has changed since those times. I have changed. Am I even capable of loving another person? I don’t want to drag him through my mud.

Blue and I have only spent time together on two occasions. So we aren’t ready for any kind of commitment from each other. I just don’t know if I want to get back in this world of feelings, love, and pain. Here we go I guess.

Give Me A Break

Just want some relief. There is absolutely no doubt that there are others who deal with unbelievably difficult situations and problems. Of course, the person to either side of me has a hardship or ten. I know. It could be worse. But I just want a break. How do you escape from your mind? How do you find the energy to care or to even want to care anymore? Sleep is only a brief escape, and only if the dreams stay away. I live a great life. The problems are fairly minimal. I just wish there was an off switch for the thoughts that constantly run rampant. On a positive note, kudos to those who manage to keep fighting, keep running, and keep breathing. You are doing great! And to those of us who might feel as if we aren’t keeping up, we are all doing fine. We will keep on trying until we get it. Right?

All Is Merry And… Blah

Ruminating, dwelling on, overthinking, … whatever you want to call it, I am doing it this evening. Reflection is profitable without any doubts. Reflection yields conclusions, lessons learned, answers found. The other side of reviewing decisions and life can be ugly, if we want to state it very bluntly.

I feel stuck. The past wants to sit beside me today. He isn’t welcome. I led myself to this place. Of course “this place” could be much worse, but why isn’t better? Because of me. My weight has skyrocketed. The friends who once tried to be around for me, they are in the shadows. The mission work in Moldova is over. I blew that. I set it on fire and laughed as it burned. And now there are regrets, regrets, regrets, and more regrets.  My faith has diminished which was the base of the mission work to begin with. At twenty five, I am living with my parents and making hardly any money. There is no prospect for a relationship of any kind, and every female on Facebook is expecting a baby. I want a baby. I know these feelings are stemming from the holidays. They always bring this pressure to be happy. They drain money, energy, and emotions.

Dad has always said that I never accept the responsibility for any of my decisions or mistakes. Well there it is. It is me. I failed. I made these choices. And I know that no one but me can change my life. Where to start? How to start? There is so much I can’t change. The first answer that comes to mind is small. Just start small. Work on something all the time no matter how small it might be. The second idea is to enjoy the little things. Right now my sister is letting me use her nice earbuds. There is awesome music flowing in my world. The guitar, drums, keyboard … all the instruments are working together to create a beautiful blend of harmonies and lyrics. I can enjoy that. Thirdly, realize that no two days are going to be exactly alike. Tomorrow can be better. Even if tomorrow is worse than today, there will be another day after that one. There can be hope. When we lose hope, we have lost everything.

This life isn’t meant to be simple. It is hard. It is grueling, taxing, breaking, and demanding. But it can also be fun, happy, giving, beautiful. It might not be good everyday, but there will be times that it is. Life is trying to have her way with me. The circumstances haven’t changed, but I know that we, you and I, we can handle this. Please stay strong, and always keep fighting. These holiday times can be extremely tough to say the least, you are bigger than they are. You are bigger and stronger than any of your circumstances. You can take it, and so can I. We rock. Cheers!

By the way, I know this post is very scattered, choppy, and probably cliche, but it is how I feel. Plus I like it. It speaks truth. We will make it.:)

The Not So Pretty Truth

So much happening. Not enough happening. Mind is bored. Mind is busy. The kind of day spent in pajamas, not doing much of anything. Starts out fun. Then it just causes anxiety. With so much going on in this great big, tiny world, so much seems inconsequential.

If you have ever watched Dan Howell on YouTube, you probably have a decent grasp on the concept of the “existential crisis”. That is where I am in my little place today. What is the point? For what reason am I here? Does this life not seem a bit trite?

No doubt everyone has times like this. I have no encouragement to offer or kind words to propose. No, this post is just the grim reality that sometimes there is no grasp to be had and no meaning to be understood. This just is what it is. Cheers!

Singing To The Head And The Heart, Plus Some

Twenty One Pilots has been a great help for me. Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun present the struggles of depression, anxiety, and life in general, but they do so in a way that is helpful. They help spread the message that dealing with internal problems is not abnormal. The duo also offers a unique sound combined with deep lyrics, minus the drama of much of today’s music. These men are a major bright spot in my life. Check them out!

Hmmm, This Could Use Some Salt

Today is tiring already. Being a realist, I generally try to see things at they are. Sometimes with depression and anxiety, this is not a possibility. The voice of negativity and what things might be screams. Some days are super easy. I am confident. This is my life, and I am living it. Some days, like today, just don’t. They don’t make sense. They don’t want to work properly. They don’t remember how we operate around here. The “voices” tend to change depending on what the negativity is about. If it is about my performance as a human being, I can almost always hear my Dad and the criticism he has offered. If it is about my ability to socialize or be normal, the voice will almost always be mine. Sometimes it is just a general laughter, as if in the back of my mind there are people with buckets and popcorn and small, over-priced boxes of candy, waiting for me to fail so they can laugh it up.

My Dad has always had a lot to say about me and how he thinks I should be. Most of it has not been positive. He knows exactly how I should be. He knows how to make me the perfect person. I don’t have a problem with him thinking this way. The problem is that he seems to think his word is gospel. Just because he believes it doesn’t mean it is true or correct. I know that. You know that. The cognitive parts of me know that, but I can’t believe it.

I don’t do a lot that I am proud of, nor do I see myself as talented. But I do cook. Dad and I have cooked together forever. He taught me quite a bit about the kitchen. When it comes to my cooking though, he thinks he knows better than anyone how it should be. Telling me “You need to learn how to salt your food. No one but you thinks it has enough salt in it.”, may not seem like a big deal to some people. To me, it is a huge insult. How dare you insult my cooking. If I cook something, and you don’t like it, no big deal. If I cook something and you proceed to attack my entire approach to seasoning, that is a bit uncalled for. It hurts my feelings. And he loves to say these things like I am a complete moron.

Then he decides he needs to explain to me how to accept criticism, except his way of teaching is through insulting. “It must be nice to be so perfect that no one can ever give you any constructive criticism.” Yeah Dad, it rocks.

Some people wouldn’t be bothered by his words. I am. Call it what you will. Say I sound like a spoiled brat or dramatic. You are entitled to your opinion. Sometimes though, I just don’t need his.