All Is Merry And… Blah

Ruminating, dwelling on, overthinking, … whatever you want to call it, I am doing it this evening. Reflection is profitable without any doubts. Reflection yields conclusions, lessons learned, answers found. The other side of reviewing decisions and life can be ugly, if we want to state it very bluntly.

I feel stuck. The past wants to sit beside me today. He isn’t welcome. I led myself to this place. Of course “this place” could be much worse, but why isn’t better? Because of me. My weight has skyrocketed. The friends who once tried to be around for me, they are in the shadows. The mission work in Moldova is over. I blew that. I set it on fire and laughed as it burned. And now there are regrets, regrets, regrets, and more regrets.  My faith has diminished which was the base of the mission work to begin with. At twenty five, I am living with my parents and making hardly any money. There is no prospect for a relationship of any kind, and every female on Facebook is expecting a baby. I want a baby. I know these feelings are stemming from the holidays. They always bring this pressure to be happy. They drain money, energy, and emotions.

Dad has always said that I never accept the responsibility for any of my decisions or mistakes. Well there it is. It is me. I failed. I made these choices. And I know that no one but me can change my life. Where to start? How to start? There is so much I can’t change. The first answer that comes to mind is small. Just start small. Work on something all the time no matter how small it might be. The second idea is to enjoy the little things. Right now my sister is letting me use her nice earbuds. There is awesome music flowing in my world. The guitar, drums, keyboard … all the instruments are working together to create a beautiful blend of harmonies and lyrics. I can enjoy that. Thirdly, realize that no two days are going to be exactly alike. Tomorrow can be better. Even if tomorrow is worse than today, there will be another day after that one. There can be hope. When we lose hope, we have lost everything.

This life isn’t meant to be simple. It is hard. It is grueling, taxing, breaking, and demanding. But it can also be fun, happy, giving, beautiful. It might not be good everyday, but there will be times that it is. Life is trying to have her way with me. The circumstances haven’t changed, but I know that we, you and I, we can handle this. Please stay strong, and always keep fighting. These holiday times can be extremely tough to say the least, you are bigger than they are. You are bigger and stronger than any of your circumstances. You can take it, and so can I. We rock. Cheers!

By the way, I know this post is very scattered, choppy, and probably cliche, but it is how I feel. Plus I like it. It speaks truth. We will make it.:)

The Not So Pretty Truth

So much happening. Not enough happening. Mind is bored. Mind is busy. The kind of day spent in pajamas, not doing much of anything. Starts out fun. Then it just causes anxiety. With so much going on in this great big, tiny world, so much seems inconsequential.

If you have ever watched Dan Howell on YouTube, you probably have a decent grasp on the concept of the “existential crisis”. That is where I am in my little place today. What is the point? For what reason am I here? Does this life not seem a bit trite?

No doubt everyone has times like this. I have no encouragement to offer or kind words to propose. No, this post is just the grim reality that sometimes there is no grasp to be had and no meaning to be understood. This just is what it is. Cheers!

Singing To The Head And The Heart, Plus Some

Twenty One Pilots has been a great help for me. Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun present the struggles of depression, anxiety, and life in general, but they do so in a way that is helpful. They help spread the message that dealing with internal problems is not abnormal. The duo also offers a unique sound combined with deep lyrics, minus the drama of much of today’s music. These men are a major bright spot in my life. Check them out!

Hmmm, This Could Use Some Salt

Today is tiring already. Being a realist, I generally try to see things at they are. Sometimes with depression and anxiety, this is not a possibility. The voice of negativity and what things might be screams. Some days are super easy. I am confident. This is my life, and I am living it. Some days, like today, just don’t. They don’t make sense. They don’t want to work properly. They don’t remember how we operate around here. The “voices” tend to change depending on what the negativity is about. If it is about my performance as a human being, I can almost always hear my Dad and the criticism he has offered. If it is about my ability to socialize or be normal, the voice will almost always be mine. Sometimes it is just a general laughter, as if in the back of my mind there are people with buckets and popcorn and small, over-priced boxes of candy, waiting for me to fail so they can laugh it up.

My Dad has always had a lot to say about me and how he thinks I should be. Most of it has not been positive. He knows exactly how I should be. He knows how to make me the perfect person. I don’t have a problem with him thinking this way. The problem is that he seems to think his word is gospel. Just because he believes it doesn’t mean it is true or correct. I know that. You know that. The cognitive parts of me know that, but I can’t believe it.

I don’t do a lot that I am proud of, nor do I see myself as talented. But I do cook. Dad and I have cooked together forever. He taught me quite a bit about the kitchen. When it comes to my cooking though, he thinks he knows better than anyone how it should be. Telling me “You need to learn how to salt your food. No one but you thinks it has enough salt in it.”, may not seem like a big deal to some people. To me, it is a huge insult. How dare you insult my cooking. If I cook something, and you don’t like it, no big deal. If I cook something and you proceed to attack my entire approach to seasoning, that is a bit uncalled for. It hurts my feelings. And he loves to say these things like I am a complete moron.

Then he decides he needs to explain to me how to accept criticism, except his way of teaching is through insulting. “It must be nice to be so perfect that no one can ever give you any constructive criticism.” Yeah Dad, it rocks.

Some people wouldn’t be bothered by his words. I am. Call it what you will. Say I sound like a spoiled brat or dramatic. You are entitled to your opinion. Sometimes though, I just don’t need his.

She’s At The Door Again

She always comes back. No matter how long she stays away or for what reason, she will find me again. Our past relationship has been filled with ups and downs. We have different opinions on the world, love, commitment, faith, failure…basically everything that is life. Never the less, we remain close as ever. She always has the “perfect” words to say and, of course, she won’t hesitate to say them.She refuses to see her negativity and the way she hurts others.

Judging myself based on how often I welcome her back, or how often she runs me over seems unfair. I am only human, after all. She lives here as much as I do. She can’t be avoided completely. Besides, how boring and lonely life would be without my friend. No, I can’t kick her out. We are co-owners in this endeavor. Cannot even imagine the fit she would throw if she were simply ignored. And I am not a weak person because of it. This is the lot I have been dealt. This is where I am. In this place, I will choose to be solid, creative, available, caring, …. human. She can’t stop me. She won’t stop me. This is my life. She will be here with me, but in the end, I will be fine, and so will you. Cheers!

I Figured It Out

A few posts ago I questioned myself and how so much could change in a years time. It didn’t make sense that the same person could change so much. It seemed like a bad thing. After some thought, it isn’t that bad. That is growth. We aren’t the same people today that we were yesterday. Tomorrow we will be different people than we were today. We make decisions and changes. Life would be boring if every thing stayed the same all the time. I am ok. You are ok. We don’t need to have all the answers at one time. Some questions don’t even have answers. Make your own answers. Forge your own paths. Climb your mountains and conquer those valleys. You can do it.

Sometimes pulling it all together is not an option. Sometimes it just takes more effort than you can muster. Sometimes that’s ok. This life is yours. If you are having a bad day, it all is going to be ok. Keep on attempting to live up to no one’s expectations except yours. Of course do the give and take of life, but if you aren’t measuring up, please don’t give up. Everything is going to be ok.

What Would You Do?

My family and I are going on vacation next week. We will be gone for seven days. The beach is our destination. If you ask any of the other fifteen people leaving on Saturday who of them is excited, no doubt each of them will respond positively with their swimsuits on a gleam in the eye. If you ask me, you will find a pleading look begging you to take me away from the pain. Why, yes, that is dramatic. Thank you for noticing.

I don’t really enjoy most vacations. I like quiet, alone, and slow. That is the opposite of these vacations. Plus, there always seems to be this unsaid expectation for everyone to be social and to have a great time; all those things that aren’t me. So, my question is, what do you do to enjoy your vacations, even when you aren’t sure you want to enjoy your vacation?

My answer to that question would probably be to try. Try to be involved. Try to have fun. After you try, make sure you take some time for yourself. That should be a good start at least. Any pointers?

A Look Inside The Mind Of A Crazy Lady

Anyone who has lived any real amount of time understands that life brings with it many changes. Heck, every day brings changes. Denying or running away from these changes won’t change them. (Enjoy that pun). What I can’t grasp is how much everything can modify with time, yet be the same.

I am terribly puzzled today. Scrolling through a social media account, a picture of a former student popped up. Now keep in mind I was twenty three and he was twenty one at the time of our work and friendship. At the time I was a very broken person. Part of me believes that he could see that. He brought out a confidence in me that few others have ever seen. He was a beautiful person in every way. We studied together for several months. Then he left. He flew away to be part of a work with his uncle. I was broken at the very least. When my parents questioned why his departure injured me so, I assured them I was not in love the young man.

Fast forward a year. I was in love with him. At least, what I think love is. I seem to have a talent for sabotaging myself. I left his country, where I was teaching English, and moved back home. Once he learned that I was not to return, he stopped responding to my messages. I miss him. I can’t help but wonder what could have been. But the what if’s are meaningless and threatening. Though he seemed interested in me as well, any chance with him left me as I left his country.

What was it that kept me from pursuing anything with him only one year ago? Perhaps it was depression, but that sounds like an excuse. It feels wrong to say  I wasn’t ready for love as love doesn’t sit around waiting for the perfect moment to present itself. Perhaps brokenness brings with it an inability to see things clearly. I don’t know.

Why is it that the person there a year ago and the person here now are the same people, yet they are so completely different? How can one year do that to someone? A year ago, I was suicidal, cutting, and not functioning. Today, I am much healthier in those areas. How are we the same person? Why couldn’t I as I am now be the person there with him a year ago?

Another piece of me feels that none of this matters. I know it doesn’t. But why does it seem that love escapes me? I don’t know how he actually felt, but I know how I felt. Why did it take so long to realize the truth?

Will I ever get it right? I home-school my sister and basically go to church and to the grocery store. How can I meet someone? If I ever feel “love” again, will I get it right?

I don’t know. All I know is, I hope you and I will take chances. May you and I learn from our mistakes. May we acknowledge our  humanity, embrace it, and live. And may we not wait.