I Wish!

Rub the lamp, out pops the genie, the wishes are offered… What do you do?

Make a wish of course! Today, the wish would be for a way to clear the mind. What legal way is there to just allow the mind to pause all its fretting and dread? Some might suggest mediation, yoga, working out, music, coloring, and many more. These activities still don’t offer the type of numbness of which I wish.

The closest thing perhaps, would be sleep. Even she is a cruel being. How often do the weary seek rest only to be plagued with unpleasant dreams or even nightmares? Where is this true rest found? I don’t know, but if to wish such a thing were possible, I would.

Then I would hope the nice little genie is offering some more wishes.:)

Reality Says

Possibly sensitive issues to follow. If you are under 18 or might be triggered by talk of pregnancy, please skip this one if you will. Thank you.

Reality says the timing would suck. Reality says custody battle. Reality screams the words “unfit mother”, quite a bit. My friend reality reminds me that I can’t even get things together on this end, and that adding a baby would only make things more difficult. I know what reality says.

My little heart wanted that pregnancy test to be positive. I know it would probably be terrible for so  many reasons, but I wanted to be a mommy. Just the possibility there could be a little one inside me made everything a little more clear.

The test says there is no baby. I can test again in a couple of days I suppose. The reality is that any baby I would have at this time in my life would already start out struggling. He or she would be severely loved though. But love doesn’t pay the bills or buy the diapers.

I just wanted so badly for the test to say yes.

Connect. Connecting. Connection. Connected

Our hearts beat with a need to be connected. We all have our own connections. These connections branch off into other connections. Where does it end? Are we ever filled, satisfied with being connected as we are?

Perhaps to be satisfied is to lack a desire to move forward, a lack of desire to connect. Every person needs to connect with someone. Are we connecting? Are we forming proper connections with human kind, or are we just passing each other by without a second thought? Are we connected or are we self focused?

What if each person decided to reach out and connect with another person on a consistent basis? Would the world drastically change? Maybe not for entire countries or on a large scale. Maybe for one person, the world could be better through one connection.

May we take the time be to connected to something and someone bigger than ourselves. May we connect inwardly, and then take the time to connect outwardly, looking up and out. We achieve nothing without a connection.

Maybe you are waiting for that connection. You could be at the end of yourself, just waiting for someone to reach out and connect with you. Don’t give up, please. Keep holding on. Keep reaching out. The connection will come. Here is one. Take it if some help you might find.

Realistically, few people will read this post. That is fine. May we, whoever does read this, understand the importance of connecting with others. We may be what connects one person from the darkness back into a world of hope. Cheers!

I Wanted Words

In my extremist way, I tried the online dating thing. I won’t go into all the details at this moment. I will say this though, people should not determine your value. I can’t tell you how many guys stopped talking to me if I told them they wouldn’t be receiving any pictures or videos from me. It made me feel cheap and worthless.

Breaking up with my sweet ex….

He never responded. My parents told me was only using me. I didn’t believe it. They told me I was his unpaid prostitute. I didn’t listen. I still don’t believe the terrible things they spewed about this precious man. I broke up with him through a text. Please, Please people, don’t hate me or judge me. If you do decide to hate and judge, just please don’t do it in the comments. I just couldn’t look into his eyes and tell him bye. I tried. It didn’t work. For my sake, I ended it through a text. He didn’t respond.

Its that lack of response that makes me doubt and wonder if my parents were right. I know he wouldn’t have tried to change my mind. He wouldn’t have tried to talk me out of my decision. But nothing? Every time my phone rings I want it to be him, saying anything at all. But there is nothing. Even if he cursed me and my family and said he would rather me be dead, would that be better than nothing?

So I wonder. But the reality is, no matter his motivations in his relationship with me; no matter his feelings towards me; my value is the same. He doesn’t get to decide how I feel about myself. He doesn’t determine my worth. I would still love to see him one more time or know how he is doing. I would even love to know if he has already found someone else to sleep with. But I can’t. And that is fine.

I do hope that the next girl he sees will know that she is worth more than anything she can give a man. I hope he and his wife can find a way to work through their marriage without a third or fourth party being involved. I hope that, should I ever be blessed with a daughter, she will make better choices than I have.  But I am still worth something. I am worth a lot. God says so. You are worth a lot too, regardless of what anyone would try to make you think. I hope you understand and believe in your value.

I definitely didn’t read through or edit this one either. Forgive me. I’m not lazy. I just don’t want to reread my writing today.:)


Some Odd Ramble

What do I know about recovery? -Probably not very much. But here is my take on it never the less.:)

Recovery is different for everyone. There has been an almost palpable change in me over the course of each passing day for about the last week. A week ago today, my family was unaware of my bad decisions. The next day, I would tell them. Constantly handing out untruths was killing me. The next three days would be spent in a battle. My family and I argued. I argued with myself. My ex and I cried together. Saturday, I told him bye. He never responded. Sunday, I went to church. Sunday night I had a breakdown of sorts. Monday, I decided to change. Today, I feel awake for the first time in months.

The freedom I sought was only found after I had been to the end of myself. Today is the first day in over a week that I have not shoveled in the anxiety medication. There are moments that I lose it. I still miss him. I want to be with him and feel his arms around me. But I can’t. That is the past.

Recovery indicates a previous positive state. It also indicates a lesser state. I have been to both places. Who knows how long the good will last? I assume, probably as long as I am willing to work at it. I opened my blinds today. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I played with  my dog and talked with a friend. These are all things that had fallen by the way side. But I’m back.

At twenty five years old, I can’t possibly know what my future actually holds. It seems I have patterns of extremes. I am either fantastic, or basically dying. But I can change that. I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I want perfection. Realistically, it will never be mine. That is ok. I will learn to accept that. I will remember that life is all about what I can teach someone else, but also what I can learn.

None of us are required to always “have it all together”. We can’t. At some point, we should look ourselves in the mirror and remind ourselves that we are important. We are special. We deserve happiness. We are beautiful. We are lovable.

I don’t consider all this to be over. I know I am just getting started. But there is a vastness ahead of me, and for the first time in a while, it seems conquerable. Surely I have used this illustration before, but I can use it again. No one seems to be complaining. As a kid, my sister and I would have little competitions to see who could hold their breath under water for the longest period of time. There comes a point where your lungs are burning and your body screams for oxygen. So you go to the top, where the air is, and you breathe. I feel like that first, good, deep breath. Breathe with me.

I didn’t even read back over or edit this. Please don’t hate me.:)



This Is New, And Also Extremely Terrifying

Since breaking up with the recent boyfriend, angering much of my family, and hurting many people in the process, I have finally experienced the joys of sleep paralysis.

In my dreams I am constantly looking for the ex, calling his name, crying, screaming for him. He hears me. He even turns and looks at me, but then he disappears completely. I just can’t find him. There are people who look like him, and people who know him, but no him. I even keep catching glances of him as I am looking for him. He turns a corner or dashes out of sight each time. I miss him. I miss him in  my sleep too.

I think the intensity of the emotions is bleeding out in the form of sleep paralysis. Last night I could feel my arms reaching for him. I could hear myself screaming and crying. I could feel someone pulling my arm and someone holding my hand. At one point, it felt as if someone was hitting me. I just couldn’t wake up though. I was so scared. My chest felt as if I couldn’t get in a real breath. Finally someone else in the house opened a door and it jolted me out of the paralysis.

The whole experience was absolutely terrifying. I texted my Mom. She was sweet enough to come sit with me for a little while. We talked through some things. I watched some Netflix, and finally went back to sleep.

The next set of dreams involved me meeting up with him again. He took me to a beach house that he and his family were staying at. Every time I found him, he looked different than the last time. He and I finally got alone together to talk. He was angry. Just angry. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say about anything. He was driving me home when I woke up. I wanted him to be here so badly when I awoke. I wanted him to have texted me. He won’t. He doesn’t need me. Probably didn’t ever really want me. But oh how I want him.

I don’t understand sleep paralysis. I don’t know what causes this or why it showed up in my life at this point. I do know that I have much empathy and sympathy for those who deal with it. Sending love and a good nights sleep your way.

Here We Go Again, And Again, And Again…

No one who has read my blog for any time at all will surprised when I tell them that this last guy did not work out. In fact, the whole relationship ended, and ended badly. I am beginning to wonder if I somehow subconsciously develop relationships with men that can’t stay with me.

So the last few days have been filled with tears and heartache. I did a lot of things wrong. Does that ever stop? Is there some kind of learning curve I have yet to hit?  I have got to do better. My choices in men are sitting on the brink of ridiculous. I did this guy wrong. I hate myself for it. My parents say he didn’t care about me at all anyway. For his sake, I hope they are right.

I feel cheap. I feel sad. I feel exhausted. I am ready to clean my life up. It is high time to return to the Lord and a true relationship with Him. I know the journey will be long, and full of difficulties. That’s ok. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I wasted it. The best way to use this life is to use it for others and for Christ.

I won’t be perfect. I will still deal with depression and anxiety. I won’t be alone. None of us are completely alone. Even if you don’t feel God with you, He is there. You have hope. We all have hope. Sometimes we need only look around.

I have forgotten you, not completely but almost. My senses can’t remember anything more than a glimpse of who you were. I don’t know the last time I dreamed of you or cried for you. Some part of me misses you, remembers a ghost of the person you were. Isn’t this what I wanted? Didn’t I want to forget you? If so, why does this send fear pulsing through my veins?

I know I still love you, but what version of you? You know what you would find ironic? I am in a relationship now with a man who will with no doubt hurt me. The entire set up points to pain on my part. But I know it is there, that I will find you again. Perhaps it is not you or our relationship that I have never moved on from. Perhaps it is the feeling of life and power that only pain can provide.

It is during pain that you feel real again. Why do I do this to myself? Realistically, how can I not? As most people, I have more questions than answers at this point. The end of our relationship haunts me everyday. It probably always will. I wish I could understand why. I wish I had an answer for how to prevent this from happening all over again.

In a way, I am so happy for you. You found a way out. You seem to be happy and grounded. I am happy for you. You deserve that happiness. But I would be lying if I denied the presence of the tears every time I consider it. Our chance is lost. I know there is no hope and no future for us. But I wish you could explain to me what really happened. I want to understand beyond the lens from the glasses of youth and immaturity.

Maybe this is where I live right now. How does one deal with unanswered questions and regrets? I don’t know. But I guess that’s the beauty of life. We can all learn. Sadly, the lessons most worth learning are often the most difficult.

Curtain Call

Warning: There is some talk of sexual things. Please do not read if you are underage or believe you may be offended. Thanks.

There comes a point when you realize that you don’t know, and that its ok if you don’t. I’m always afraid when I begin to feel these feelings, and think these thoughts. The questions and doubts cover the mind like a curtain. Maybe that is the depression. I’m scared. There seems to be no point anymore. The cliche answers run through with the other thoughts. They tell me to think of someone else and their problems. They tell me to get over it and stop being selfish. They always have something to say.

My friend Sam is the only one who knows how to find this blog. If you read this Sam, you will understand the guilty conscious thing I mentioned a little while ago. I grew up in a home that was very strict about anything sexual. No sex before marriage. No porn. No touching yourself. No looking at anything provocative.

This became a problem for me as a teenager. Time would prove that I am actually a very sexual person. I’ve made my mistakes. But have I ever learned? I won’t bore you with every detail of my past. Let’s just start at the recent past. First attempt at sex with the ex boyfriend – if you have been keeping up, you already know. Since him and joining feabie, there is little to nothing that I won’t do or send a photo or video of me doing. I met a guy through the site. He is married. He is in an open marriage. He and I have been seeing each other and sleeping together. It all sounds tame in my opinion. His wife knows about it and approves. The problem is I am falling for him. Why do I fall in love so easily? Ironically, he is older than me. Another common trend has been identified.

Another problem is that I am living with my family. If they find out, I know I will be kicked out. They will be angry and hurt. I also can’t reconcile myself with God. There is where the real emotions kick in. I feel worthless and aimless on the inside. I’m scared. I fear for my soul but also for my spirit. Troubled comes to mind. And I fear this will only end badly for me. He loves his wife. He isn’t going to leave her. Realistically I am probably just a speck in his life. And that hurts as well.

I want a husband and a family. I want kids so badly. I know that staying with him isn’t smart, but I can’t leave him now. I don’t want to leave him. He has become my place of refuge and safety. He is where I feel at home. I need him. I want him. The fear is wearing me out.

What was the point in this post? I think it was just to vent.

Selling Your Soul

Didn’t proofread. Didn’t reread. Just needed to get some words out of my mind.

There comes a point in life where an individual can find himself without his soul. There are expectations everywhere we turn. Some expectations are completely reasonable, some, not so much. We will find ourselves beholden to what another person wants from us. True, we should place others first. We should also work in the interest of self preservation.

Whatever you are doing, if it is draining you in every way, stop. You are worth more than what someone else tells you to do or to be. I am tired. I have found myself in a loop of never ending expectations that I cannot help but disappoint. At first I thought my actions were for me. I suppose in reality they are still are. But it doesn’t feel that way anymore. I just feel now like I am running from everyone and everything.

My brain is tired and intrigued. I have remembered though some of the reasons I miss him. I feel some of those same feelings again. I thought they were gone. Why do I still care? Why can’t I move on? Will my life forever be a stream of searching for pieces of a man that may as well be dead to me? He is out there. He is happy and living his life.

But he doesn’t exist for me. For me he will always be scattered pieces. I will say my brain has managed to mostly forget about him. But there are nights, like this one, where I look around and realize that I am chasing his likeness again, but he is no where to be found.

Heart, you have betrayed me. You have let me down again. Why won’t you learn? Why can’t you hear my words of caution? Because you don’t want to. Because once you do, a part of you will be gone forever, and you can’t handle that. The reality is, that parts been dead. You are scared of the scars that might appear. Or maybe the pain is familiar. Maybe you feel safe in this small part of your life. I don’t know.

I do know that your soul isn’t worth anyone’s temporary happiness. Cheers!