I want to blog about anxiety, depression, my break up (s), relationships, unnecessary traditions, online dating, my desire to have children… the list is never ending. But the car is stopped at this point, what is the point? Where is the direction? What is the summation of it all?
I suppose if I knew, there would be nothing to learn, no reason to keep living, and no need for a tomorrow. This is evident though, I am tired from nothing, I am scared of nearly everything, and in the large scheme of life my matter is little.
Why could God not create a way for us to forget or a way for our minds to feel and think absolutely nothing for a time? Of course we sleep, but even then many of us are plagued by the life that seeps in through dreams. Dreams can sometimes be the worst. They scream realities that we fear to speak when awake.
No. Instead we enjoy the moments. We take in the small things. We hold hands with our loved ones, pat our children on the head (those of us who have children, and please note the lack of bitterness there), and block it all out through some means of mind numbing activity. Through all the television watching, ball game attending, drug using, alcohol drinking, sex having, money making, information learning,… the truth of our realities are still there.
I’m bitter, and a bit broken; and oh so tired of pretending everything is fine when my mind won’t leave me alone. On the same note, I know there are so many people out there today who suffer through this “holiday”. This weekend is much harder for some people, as they have given and sacrificed above and beyond anything asked. Thank you to those who served. Thank you to those who tolerate ridiculous, pointless whining when your heart is actually destroyed. Thank you to the men and women and everyone in between who ask for no recognition but deserve it the most. There exists no accolade, and no words to match your giving. Thank you is what we humans tend to say, and that often encompasses exactly what can’t be said. So thank you.