Just want to remind you that you are ok. Things around you might be crazy. People may be asking too much of you. You might not feel it, but you are ok. Please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You are a strong person. You probably have some weak moments. Everyone does that. You are not alone on this journey. Things are not as bad as they seem. You are ok. Sometimes you might even be great, grand, or glorious. If that’s true, then good for you! But it is also fine to just be ok.
Had a good nights sleep last night. Woke up at about quarter to five this beautiful morning. I am enjoying the moments of calm solitude. No doubt they won’t last long. Before too long something or someone will come along to break up the tranquility. May we strive to take note of the calm and tranquil moments, for they are never long lasting. Whether you are breezing through life, bogged down with sorrows, or somewhere in between, take a breath and find a moment to enjoy. You certainly deserve it. Cheers!
With every bad day comes a fear that the next day will only serve as a mirror for current badness. Not every day is bad of course, but the nagging fear is ever present. Yesterday was trying and difficult. The only thing to do is go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. But what do you do when tomorrow is not better? How does one rid the body and mind of the negativity and sadness that desire to overwhelm every possibility of life? I don’t know. I do know that sometimes there is no way to “deal” with all of it. Sometimes it all just is whatever it is, and we go on. For everyone wondering how the day is going to turn out or when the badness will be silenced again, please hang on. No two days will be exactly the same. You survived every day before this one. You and I can both handle one more. Cheers!
Quite often my Mom and I clash. She is a very laid back kind of person. I am not. She likes to dabble in the emotional side of everything. I tend to forget that emotions are even a thing. She is timid. I am a fighter. The list of our differences goes on and on. At this time I am not working. Mom has never worked. So we are both at home trying to run a house together. There is one thing we tend to both agree on: neither of us thinks the other does enough work around the house. In my mind, she rarely does anything. And wouldn’t you know it, just the other day she told my dad that all I ever do is sleep!
Today she decided that she was tired of cleaning up after the dog’s occasional accident and that I should do it. That did not sit well with me at all. I could think of a million reasons why she needed to march her hind parts in the back room and clean up the mess, but I didn’t say anything to her. Instead I lamented everything to my sister.
For the last month or so, my sister has been passionately trying to make me a better person. That is not an easy task. She did listen to what I had to say, but for the first time, her teachings clicked without even a reminder. Whether or not my Mom should have cleaned up the mess was unimportant. The importance was in how I responded.
I have seen our arguments as a constant power struggle. What I see now is that she is just a middle aged, exhausted mother with little confidence, trying to make her way in the this world. Is she always right? Of course not! :) But neither am I.
In an effort to be more respectful, I should probably stop trying to turn her into me. She is a different person. She will express herself differently and will do things differently than I do. That is perfectly fine. Probably the most important thing I can do to be more respectful is to realize that I don’t have to understand her to accept and respect her.
Looking forward to seeing if I can actually carry out these thoughts. Hopefully things in the household will improve as I improve. Cheers!
Don’t feel like caring today. No drive and no concern available. In reality, the best thing would be to get up and do something. But I can’t seem to think of a reason as to why I should.
A fine line exists between being a selfish person and being a person who stands up for herself. Defining that line can be quite the challenge. It seems that regardless of what side of the line I land on, no one is satisfied. Perhaps that is just life.
No matter where you are in life, remember that nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. At least, that’s what my therapist says. She is a pretty lady, soft spoken, and full of energy. She is the kind of person you want your kid to end up like. I am not. There comes a point where you must begin to learn who you are and what you stand for. It is an exhausting work. I don’t know who I am or what defines me. I just know that I am tired. I am lost. I am a shell of the person I once was. And I don’t know where I should go next. What is the purpose any more? Fortunately, this too shall pass.
The following post will possibly contain some material that might be offensive and considered explicit to others. You have been warned. Feel free to proceed at your own discretion.
The last few months have been difficult to say the least. That’s not what this is all about. This is about living in your parents home. You are twenty four years old. You work a pointless job. Much of your time is spent trying to figure out this thing everyone keeps calling life. You find that a little self-pleasure usually involving some erotic material(porn) and a toy of a special nature(vibrator) can help with … things.
So the end of the night finds you engaging in this special play time. Keep in mind you live in your parents house. You are so extremely grateful for their generosity of course. Mom is a loving and sweet lady who only wants to put the dog in the bed with you since that is where the little angel sleeps every night. She assumes you are asleep and decides to walk right in. Much yelling for her to “wait a minute”, and “haven’t you ever heard of knocking” ensues.
The story would have been fine, if it actually ended there. As you are naked and in the middle of your alone time, you insist she deposit the dog and make a hasty exit. She, though slightly offended, does so. The brilliant side of you decides to text your sister; your fifteen year old sister; and tell her what has just occurred. Mom and Dad think their little baby is a pure and delicate flower. She know no wrong. She is the baby.
Text messages are great, when they are sent to the correct person. When you accidentally send the text about your mom and “special time” to your mom, it isn’t as great. Baby sister doesn’t get the text. Mom does. Proceed with interrogation and yelling. They don’t comprehend how I, I mean you, can send such a vivid and perverted text to their little darling. If they only knew the things about this child that you are privy to, they might bring it down a notch.
Now, you must know that your family is a Christian family. Porn and other things are unacceptable. In the past you were a bit of a goody- two – shoes. There is nothing wrong with that of course. It’s just that, in recent years, some of your views have changed. Where Mom and Dad see evil and Satan in porn, you just don’t. And in the past, you had a bit of an addiction to the stuff. Now, since you see nothing wrong with it, you can take it or leave it. Not sure what that says about you. Perhaps you should look into that one.
So now your parents are worried that your “addictions” and behaviors will be passed on to the youngest. You also didn’t get any sleep last night and called out of work. Hey, you are only twenty four. Cut yourself some slack. Neither of your parents will talk with you, and you kind of get it. According to their views, you are soaked in evil and need to be cleansed. In a way they feel disrespected. And since you understand that you will probably not be keeping that “no porn rule in this house” they shouted at you last night, you know it is time to make an exit.
No one is speaking this morning, so it should be fairly peaceful. Although that could mean they are waiting for the right opportunity to bring it all up again. There is no way Dad isn’t putting his two cents in. Nothing like talking about your sex toys with your Dad to make becoming a nun seem like an excellent career choice.
The irony of all this, is that she never even realized what she had walked in on, until she received your vivid text message.
The moral of the story is this: when you are sending a text, especially one with “questionable” material, don’t be stupid. Check, and double check that the text is going to the right person. And since you would never do anything like all this, I must go hide my toy stash. Cheers!
Much has changed in a few short months. A few months ago, I lived and taught in Moldova. Never would have considered moving back home, but I did. The desire to terminate my own life grew to an extreme level. Feelings and thoughts refuse to be stifled. In some ways, I have given into who I am. In some ways I still run.
I have become unemployed, turned another year older, gained a brother in law, cut my hair, gained thirty five pounds, informed my family of who I am, and it feels like I have lost everything. It sounds so dramatic but it is exactly how I feel. Others don’t recognize this person, and neither do I. And I can’t tell if these are positive steps or just the normal, difficult steps towards anything worth being and doing.
Next week I have an appointment with a therapist. I saw a new doctor upon returning home. He gave a new medication and said I could begin therapy in January. That is quite a long time to wait further. So I will be seeing a different counselor next week. I don’t even know what to tell her. I just hope she is willing to go slowly and work with me.
In the process of transitioning my life it seems that many people have been hurt and disappointed. I still have hope that this is temporary. Things can get better. I hold on to the idea that they will. Thanks for reading. Cheers!