I Figured It Out

A few posts ago I questioned myself and how so much could change in a years time. It didn’t make sense that the same person could change so much. It seemed like a bad thing. After some thought, it isn’t that bad. That is growth. We aren’t the same people today that we were yesterday. Tomorrow we will be different people than we were today. We make decisions and changes. Life would be boring if every thing stayed the same all the time. I am ok. You are ok. We don’t need to have all the answers at one time. Some questions don’t even have answers. Make your own answers. Forge your own paths. Climb your mountains and conquer those valleys. You can do it.

Sometimes pulling it all together is not an option. Sometimes it just takes more effort than you can muster. Sometimes that’s ok. This life is yours. If you are having a bad day, it all is going to be ok. Keep on attempting to live up to no one’s expectations except yours. Of course do the give and take of life, but if you aren’t measuring up, please don’t give up. Everything is going to be ok.

What Would You Do?

My family and I are going on vacation next week. We will be gone for seven days. The beach is our destination. If you ask any of the other fifteen people leaving on Saturday who of them is excited, no doubt each of them will respond positively with their swimsuits on a gleam in the eye. If you ask me, you will find a pleading look begging you to take me away from the pain. Why, yes, that is dramatic. Thank you for noticing.

I don’t really enjoy most vacations. I like quiet, alone, and slow. That is the opposite of these vacations. Plus, there always seems to be this unsaid expectation for everyone to be social and to have a great time; all those things that aren’t me. So, my question is, what do you do to enjoy your vacations, even when you aren’t sure you want to enjoy your vacation?

My answer to that question would probably be to try. Try to be involved. Try to have fun. After you try, make sure you take some time for yourself. That should be a good start at least. Any pointers?

Maybe I was wrong

Originally posted on sharktoothsweater:


Here I am.

Breadcrumbs on the concrete,

and it’s raining.  But not from the sky.

There are several ways to go from here,

though I don’t know which one to take and why.

Maybe I was wrong,

Maybe I could have known, or maybe not.

All I know is that I’m sitting here,

with breadcrumbs on the concrete,

and rain that

does not fall

from the sky.

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A Look Inside The Mind Of A Crazy Lady

Anyone who has lived any real amount of time understands that life brings with it many changes. Heck, every day brings changes. Denying or running away from these changes won’t change them. (Enjoy that pun). What I can’t grasp is how much everything can modify with time, yet be the same.

I am terribly puzzled today. Scrolling through a social media account, a picture of a former student popped up. Now keep in mind I was twenty three and he was twenty one at the time of our work and friendship. At the time I was a very broken person. Part of me believes that he could see that. He brought out a confidence in me that few others have ever seen. He was a beautiful person in every way. We studied together for several months. Then he left. He flew away to be part of a work with his uncle. I was broken at the very least. When my parents questioned why his departure injured me so, I assured them I was not in love the young man.

Fast forward a year. I was in love with him. At least, what I think love is. I seem to have a talent for sabotaging myself. I left his country, where I was teaching English, and moved back home. Once he learned that I was not to return, he stopped responding to my messages. I miss him. I can’t help but wonder what could have been. But the what if’s are meaningless and threatening. Though he seemed interested in me as well, any chance with him left me as I left his country.

What was it that kept me from pursuing anything with him only one year ago? Perhaps it was depression, but that sounds like an excuse. It feels wrong to say  I wasn’t ready for love as love doesn’t sit around waiting for the perfect moment to present itself. Perhaps brokenness brings with it an inability to see things clearly. I don’t know.

Why is it that the person there a year ago and the person here now are the same people, yet they are so completely different? How can one year do that to someone? A year ago, I was suicidal, cutting, and not functioning. Today, I am much healthier in those areas. How are we the same person? Why couldn’t I as I am now be the person there with him a year ago?

Another piece of me feels that none of this matters. I know it doesn’t. But why does it seem that love escapes me? I don’t know how he actually felt, but I know how I felt. Why did it take so long to realize the truth?

Will I ever get it right? I home-school my sister and basically go to church and to the grocery store. How can I meet someone? If I ever feel “love” again, will I get it right?

I don’t know. All I know is, I hope you and I will take chances. May you and I learn from our mistakes. May we acknowledge our  humanity, embrace it, and live. And may we not wait.

Urgent Reminder!

Just want to remind you that you are ok. Things around you might be crazy. People may be asking too much of you. You might not feel it, but you are ok. Please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You are a strong person. You probably have some weak moments. Everyone does that. You are not alone on this journey. Things are not as bad as they seem. You are ok. Sometimes you might even be great, grand, or glorious. If that’s true, then good for you! But it is also fine to just be ok.

Not A Whisper Was Heard..


Had a good nights sleep last night. Woke up at about quarter to five this beautiful morning. I am enjoying the moments of calm solitude. No doubt they won’t last long. Before too long something or someone will come along to break up the tranquility. May we strive to take note of the calm and tranquil moments, for they are never long lasting. Whether you are breezing through life, bogged down with sorrows, or somewhere in between, take a breath and find a moment to enjoy. You certainly deserve it. Cheers!

Not Gonna Lie

With every bad day comes a fear that the next day will only serve as a mirror for current badness. Not every day is bad of course, but the nagging fear is ever present.  Yesterday was trying and difficult. The only thing to do is go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. But what do you do when tomorrow is not better? How does one rid the body and mind of the negativity and sadness that desire to overwhelm every possibility of life? I don’t know. I do know that sometimes there is no way to “deal” with all of it. Sometimes it all just is whatever it is, and we go on. For everyone wondering how the day is going to turn out or when the badness will be silenced again, please hang on. No two days will be exactly the same. You survived every day before this one. You and I can both handle one more. Cheers!

Just A Little Respect When…

Quite often my Mom and I clash. She is a very laid back kind of person. I am not. She likes to dabble in the emotional side of everything. I tend to forget that emotions are even a thing. She is timid. I am a fighter. The list of our differences goes on and on. At this time I am not working. Mom has never worked. So we are both at home trying to run a house together. There is one thing we tend to both agree on: neither of us thinks the other does enough work around the house. In my mind, she rarely does anything. And wouldn’t you know it, just the other day she told my dad that all I ever do is sleep!

Today she decided that she was tired of cleaning up after the dog’s occasional accident and that I should do it. That did not sit well with me at all. I could think of a million reasons why she needed to march her hind parts in the back room and clean up the mess, but I didn’t say anything to her. Instead I lamented everything to my sister.

For the last month or so, my sister has been passionately trying to make me a better person. That is not an easy task. She did listen to what I had to say, but for the first time, her teachings clicked without even a reminder. Whether or not my Mom should have cleaned up the mess was unimportant. The importance was in how I responded.

I have seen our arguments as a constant power struggle. What I see now is that she is just a middle aged, exhausted mother with little confidence, trying to make her way in the this world. Is she always right? Of course not! :) But neither am I.

In an effort to be more respectful, I should probably stop trying to turn her into me. She is a different person. She will express herself differently and will do things differently than I do. That is perfectly fine. Probably the most important thing I can do to be more respectful is to realize that I don’t have to understand her to accept and respect her.

Looking forward to seeing if I can actually carry out these thoughts. Hopefully things in the household will improve as I improve. Cheers!