I cannot be the only one. The tv plays. Everyone allows their phones to screech some sound or another. Sometimes I wonder if my life is too complicated. My boyfriend is married. Open marriage. In my living room at this moment, sits my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s wife, my boyfriends step daughter, my boyfriend’s stepdaughter’s boyfriend. They wonder why I don’t sit in there with them. Sometimes I can’t handle it. Sometimes I have the energy to try. Sometimes I just want to go cry in my bed. For sure, there is nothing abnormal about my feelings. I¬† just wonder if my feelings are my fault because I refuse to simplify my life. I just don’t know. Cheers!

No editing. ūüôā

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A Life Time Of No Guarantees


Sister texted a little while ago. She is having a hard time. She wants to know what to do when your inner demons are coming out and fiddling with your personal relationships. My parents allowed her to stay with me a few nights ago. This was the first time since they kicked me out of my child hood home. She went to work with me the next day. She definitely had mood swings and was easily triggered. The next day, she went to a ball game with our parents. After some distressing events, she had an anxiety attack. Dad was mad at her because she couldn’t stop crying.

She sent me the text while sitting beside my mother in church. My sweet sister also said that mom was angry with her, because the tears wouldn’t stop coming. After all these years, how have my parents not figured out the art of attempting some kind of compassion and understanding?

She feels alone. She doesn’t know what to do. She asks me… if only I had some kind of solid answer for her. I told her to take the time she needs for self care. That seems basic, but that child, like many of us, will run herself to death taking care of others before helping herself. I told her to give it a few days. One thing I have learned on my own journey is waiting. Waiting is one of the most difficult but necessary aspects of life. I want her to wait just a few days to see if anything changes. Getting caught up in the moment, or a bad time snares the most level headed of us all. Time speaks truth. Lastly, I admonished her to ask for help. She should pick someone and get the help she needs.

These are my general steps for handling difficult times of depression, but they are not guaranteed. This truth crushes my very soul. I cannot offer her anything solid. She must find her own foundation, her own ground, and her own methods. Knowing she struggles, it hurts. Knowing, hoping, and praying she will find her way… that is what I must do. That is what we all must do. I won’t give up on her. I will strive to be there for her in every way possible; that much I can guarantee.

 

I wanted to write but not edit. So here we have it. Cheers!

The Reality is…


I am depressed. This is a more difficult time than I have had in a long time. I am also hysterically thankful, for many things and some people. My job is so great. It is reliable. There are only a handful of people that need be dealt with on a daily basis. I am fairly decent at it. My sister is such an amazing person. She is a huge reason I am here to write today. Mostly, at this moment, I am thankful for my boyfriend. He is great. He loves me and allows me to feel whatever I’m feeling. He doesn’t ask for a mask. He doesn’t always realize when he is getting one, but that is exactly how I want it. Then again, he catches on sometimes before I do. Last weekend, he realized I was having an anxiety attack before I realized it was coming. He holds me through them and dries my tears after. He is tender and loving in ways I never dreamed. The reality is, life sucks. The reality is, some parts are amazing.

Happy New….. No. This Is A Rant.


This blog has basically become a place I can go when I forget who I am. I don’t often find myself here, but the occasion does arise. This is one such occasion. There is a ton of information,recent past occurrences, to share. Brevity will be a great friend to us.

The couch, the television, kitchen table, chairs, bed, basically even the car… they are all loans. About a month ago I found myself out of my parents’ home. Soon after, an apartment was attained. So far, all the bills have been paid on time. There have been no major situations that couldn’t be handled. I still feel like I such at being an adult. So, look around with me. The majority of everything in my apartment is loaned. I am dating a married man. His wife consents. They have an open marriage. His wife and step daughter are sitting on my couch. They have been for the last two hours. This is a common situation. Keep looking. I am in two day old clothes. The floor is in need of a mop. The walls lack color.

Realistically, I am doing well. Good health, sweet man, sweet substitute family, good real family, amazing sister, and a blessing of a job with wonderful people… I know this one of the good times. But this is 2017, New Years Day. This is a time of reflection and resolution. I am so thankful for the things listed above.There are many who have far less than I do, and are thankful for all they have.

I just feel so lost and scared. Does that ever stop? Will there be a moment when the picture is full of exclamation points and periods instead of question marks? Maybe the thoughts are far too large. Perhaps, its not about the entire picture. Perhaps I should be thinking in moments. Even the moments seem fast and fleeting.

Lately, my mind is unstable, to say the least. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am scared of their reaction. Usually people either brush the thought off as if it were no problem. They move on to something more interesting and prettier. Or, people smother and fear. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want either one of those.

Lately I have been having about one anxiety attack a week. This is certainly not bad compared to my past and compared to some people’s present situation. For me, it is terrifying. I am so scared of moving back towards who I was in the past. The medication certainly takes the brunt of the situation. Even with the medication, my thoughts tend to be blatantly overwhelming. I can’t go back to the places I have been before.

So how do I take control? How do I kick these people off my couch at 11:00 at night? How do I understand my emotions? How do I work towards financial stability? Will I ever like who I am? Can a person gain confidence and hope?

I am just tired. I feel used and useless. I don’t know where to go from here and what to do. Usually, for me at least, this is the best time to keep going but make no drastic moves. If these are just fleeting emotions, eventually they will go away. If something truly needs to change, it will come to the forefront.

Selfishly, I just wish I could know I am doing ok. How do I know I’m not screwing absolutely everything up? Does it even matter? Someone contact Dan Howell. There are some real existential feelings hiding here. He would get it.

There are a ton of “I’s” in this little rant. I know. I’m selfish and self focused. I am super aware. The voices and my Dad won’t let me forget. I just wanted somewhere safe to explode and explore.

If you manage to somehow read this far, please forgive me for the lack of editing. Sometimes everything just needs to come out. Usually when it all comes out quickly, I hate to read and edit. Yes, a true sign of laziness.

Thank you for reading. Cheers as we all survive and thrive!

Also, said wife and child are about to leave. I give up.

 

 

 

 

Care To Share Your Opinion?


Sometimes you come to a point in your life that you need something big to happen. All the thoughts and the feelings become too much and you would do anything for a taste of peace. Then you meet a guy on the internet. He has a past, but doesn’t everyone. He is 54, and you are only 25. He has been married twice and has a kid with a woman to whom he was not married. He is currently living in his truck, but will soon be moving into an apartment. He lives clear across the country, and he has a proposition for you. He wants you to come live with him and have his babies. You are almost to the point of saying yes. Because at this point there is nothing left to lose. You want kids. You need some adventure. You want the affection. You need to do something with your little life.

I know this sounds crazy, but I just need to do something. Still living with my parents. Need to move out. This would definitely get me out and independent. This could be amazing, or this could ruin my life. Can’t think clearly. Feeling scared and stuck.

I Do Not Know


Today has been a bad day. Within minutes of waking up there was that familiar pull of anxiety. My mind is cloudy. Talking or writing about it seems pointless, but I am really not sure how else to deal with my thoughts. I don’t have the energy to type out everything that has been going on the last two weeks. But I am tired. I am frustrated. I am lost as to how to further myself and make good life long decisions. I don’t want to make the wrong decisions. Is there even a way to know if the decisions are good? So many voices and pulls. I don’t know how to isolate the facts, remove selective bias, and understand which is the right path. I want to just make my own decisions and not need to worry about others being hurt. Why does it seem someone always must be injured? I am so tired. Emotionally drained. Mentally done. Sad. Oh so sad. My heart cries on the inside, but my eyes won’t participate. My body is disconnected as is my mind. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Reminds me of a song. Iamdynamite  sings a song called Where will we go. These are the lyrics to the chorus:

Where will we go
I’ve got no bright idea
I’ve got no bright idea
Where we go this time
Where will we go
I’ve got no bright idea
Where we go, I don’t know
Til the last good time
Source: <a href=”http://www.elyrics.net/read/i/iamdynamite-lyrics/where-will-we-go-lyrics.html”>click here</a>

Once Upon A Time, Sadness Had A Friend


Sadness is a strange little being. He hangs out with his friend depression. They share many similarities, but sadness knows depression is stronger. He never really has understood why depression showed up in the first place. Sometimes she, depression, will disappear for a while or at maybe forget to call. He hangs on, knowing she will return. Often she will even bring something back for him. She has already gifted him with past regrets, worries, and anxieties.

Sadness has learned that his dear depression is entirely unpredictable and completely over the top. This causes problems with many of his friends and family. Happiness, joy, peace, and productivity can’t stand depression. When she’s around, they quickly flee.

Sadness has seen depression in many states. She has been strong and voracious, willingly eliminating anyone in her path. She has been weak, only a whisper of confusion at times. Regardless of her current strength, sadness finds he is always depleted of energy and authenticity when depression seeks him out. If it weren’t for the lack of light, sadness believes he might could gain his energy and over take her. She convinces him though, that they are better as partners.

So he continues. Every now and then he catches a ray of hope. How he loves hope. She offers an entirely new outlook on everything. She is difficult to summon. She is shy. She can’t be bought and she is seldom developed without a strong catalyst. But sadness looks for hope. He knows when hope is around, depression is a little less likely to show up.

Sadness doesn’t know how to deal with all his issues. He doesn’t know how to keep depression away. He doesn’t think he can keep her away. He tries to spend as much time as he can with hope. He does the best he can. The best never seems to be good enough.

I Wish!


Rub the lamp, out pops the genie, the wishes are offered… What do you do?

Make a wish of course! Today, the wish would be for a way to clear the mind. What legal way is there to just allow the mind to pause all its fretting and dread? Some might suggest mediation, yoga, working out, music, coloring, and many more. These activities still don’t offer the type of numbness of which I wish.

The closest thing perhaps, would be sleep. Even she is a cruel being. How often do the weary seek rest only to be plagued with unpleasant dreams or even nightmares? Where is this true rest found? I don’t know, but if to wish such a thing were possible, I would.

Then I would hope the nice little genie is offering some more wishes. ūüôā

Reality Says


Possibly sensitive issues to follow. If you are under 18 or might be triggered by talk of pregnancy, please skip this one if you will. Thank you.

Reality says the timing would suck. Reality says custody battle. Reality screams the words “unfit mother”, quite a bit. My friend reality reminds me that I can’t even get things together on this end, and that adding a baby would only make things more difficult. I know what reality says.

My little heart wanted that pregnancy test to be positive. I know it would probably be terrible for so  many reasons, but I wanted to be a mommy. Just the possibility there could be a little one inside me made everything a little more clear.

The test says there is no baby. I can test again in a couple of days I suppose. The reality is that any baby I would have at this time in my life would already start out struggling. He or she would be severely loved though. But love doesn’t pay the bills or buy the diapers.

I just wanted so badly for the test to say yes.

Connect. Connecting. Connection. Connected


Our hearts beat with a need to be connected. We all have our own connections. These connections branch off into other connections. Where does it end? Are we ever filled, satisfied with being connected as we are?

Perhaps to be satisfied is to lack a desire to move forward, a lack of desire to connect. Every person needs to connect with someone. Are we connecting? Are we forming proper connections with human kind, or are we just passing each other by without a second thought? Are we connected or are we self focused?

What if each person decided to reach out and connect with another person on a consistent basis? Would the world drastically change? Maybe not for entire countries or on a large scale. Maybe for one person, the world could be better through one connection.

May we take the time be to connected to something and someone bigger than ourselves. May we connect inwardly, and then take the time to connect outwardly, looking up and out. We achieve nothing without a connection.

Maybe you are waiting for that connection. You could be at the end of yourself, just waiting for someone to reach out and connect with you. Don’t give up, please. Keep holding on. Keep reaching out. The connection will come. Here is one. Take it if some help you might find.

Realistically, few people will read this post. That is fine. May we, whoever does read this, understand the importance of connecting with others. We may be what connects one person from the darkness back into a world of hope. Cheers!