This blog has basically become a place I can go when I forget who I am. I don’t often find myself here, but the occasion does arise. This is one such occasion. There is a ton of information,recent past occurrences, to share. Brevity will be a great friend to us.
The couch, the television, kitchen table, chairs, bed, basically even the car… they are all loans. About a month ago I found myself out of my parents’ home. Soon after, an apartment was attained. So far, all the bills have been paid on time. There have been no major situations that couldn’t be handled. I still feel like I such at being an adult. So, look around with me. The majority of everything in my apartment is loaned. I am dating a married man. His wife consents. They have an open marriage. His wife and step daughter are sitting on my couch. They have been for the last two hours. This is a common situation. Keep looking. I am in two day old clothes. The floor is in need of a mop. The walls lack color.
Realistically, I am doing well. Good health, sweet man, sweet substitute family, good real family, amazing sister, and a blessing of a job with wonderful people… I know this one of the good times. But this is 2017, New Years Day. This is a time of reflection and resolution. I am so thankful for the things listed above.There are many who have far less than I do, and are thankful for all they have.
I just feel so lost and scared. Does that ever stop? Will there be a moment when the picture is full of exclamation points and periods instead of question marks? Maybe the thoughts are far too large. Perhaps, its not about the entire picture. Perhaps I should be thinking in moments. Even the moments seem fast and fleeting.
Lately, my mind is unstable, to say the least. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am scared of their reaction. Usually people either brush the thought off as if it were no problem. They move on to something more interesting and prettier. Or, people smother and fear. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want either one of those.
Lately I have been having about one anxiety attack a week. This is certainly not bad compared to my past and compared to some people’s present situation. For me, it is terrifying. I am so scared of moving back towards who I was in the past. The medication certainly takes the brunt of the situation. Even with the medication, my thoughts tend to be blatantly overwhelming. I can’t go back to the places I have been before.
So how do I take control? How do I kick these people off my couch at 11:00 at night? How do I understand my emotions? How do I work towards financial stability? Will I ever like who I am? Can a person gain confidence and hope?
I am just tired. I feel used and useless. I don’t know where to go from here and what to do. Usually, for me at least, this is the best time to keep going but make no drastic moves. If these are just fleeting emotions, eventually they will go away. If something truly needs to change, it will come to the forefront.
Selfishly, I just wish I could know I am doing ok. How do I know I’m not screwing absolutely everything up? Does it even matter? Someone contact Dan Howell. There are some real existential feelings hiding here. He would get it.
There are a ton of “I’s” in this little rant. I know. I’m selfish and self focused. I am super aware. The voices and my Dad won’t let me forget. I just wanted somewhere safe to explode and explore.
If you manage to somehow read this far, please forgive me for the lack of editing. Sometimes everything just needs to come out. Usually when it all comes out quickly, I hate to read and edit. Yes, a true sign of laziness.
Thank you for reading. Cheers as we all survive and thrive!
Also, said wife and child are about to leave. I give up.