Ruminating, dwelling on, overthinking, … whatever you want to call it, I am doing it this evening. Reflection is profitable without any doubts. Reflection yields conclusions, lessons learned, answers found. The other side of reviewing decisions and life can be ugly, if we want to state it very bluntly.
I feel stuck. The past wants to sit beside me today. He isn’t welcome. I led myself to this place. Of course “this place” could be much worse, but why isn’t better? Because of me. My weight has skyrocketed. The friends who once tried to be around for me, they are in the shadows. The mission work in Moldova is over. I blew that. I set it on fire and laughed as it burned. And now there are regrets, regrets, regrets, and more regrets. My faith has diminished which was the base of the mission work to begin with. At twenty five, I am living with my parents and making hardly any money. There is no prospect for a relationship of any kind, and every female on Facebook is expecting a baby. I want a baby. I know these feelings are stemming from the holidays. They always bring this pressure to be happy. They drain money, energy, and emotions.
Dad has always said that I never accept the responsibility for any of my decisions or mistakes. Well there it is. It is me. I failed. I made these choices. And I know that no one but me can change my life. Where to start? How to start? There is so much I can’t change. The first answer that comes to mind is small. Just start small. Work on something all the time no matter how small it might be. The second idea is to enjoy the little things. Right now my sister is letting me use her nice earbuds. There is awesome music flowing in my world. The guitar, drums, keyboard … all the instruments are working together to create a beautiful blend of harmonies and lyrics. I can enjoy that. Thirdly, realize that no two days are going to be exactly alike. Tomorrow can be better. Even if tomorrow is worse than today, there will be another day after that one. There can be hope. When we lose hope, we have lost everything.
This life isn’t meant to be simple. It is hard. It is grueling, taxing, breaking, and demanding. But it can also be fun, happy, giving, beautiful. It might not be good everyday, but there will be times that it is. Life is trying to have her way with me. The circumstances haven’t changed, but I know that we, you and I, we can handle this. Please stay strong, and always keep fighting. These holiday times can be extremely tough to say the least, you are bigger than they are. You are bigger and stronger than any of your circumstances. You can take it, and so can I. We rock. Cheers!
By the way, I know this post is very scattered, choppy, and probably cliche, but it is how I feel. Plus I like it. It speaks truth. We will make it. :)