We leave for church in nine minutes. My heart is beating out of my chest. Breathing is accelerated. There is this ugly feeling of nausea that won’t seem to go away. Going outside for church is scary enough as it is. This afternoon I will be attending a party. I don’t want to go to the party. My presence is not required. But there is this fear that if people keep hearing “no”, eventually they will stop caring. They will stop asking. Then, when I am myself again, they will all be gone. I don’t want to push any one else away, but keeping people in my life takes too much energy. There is barely enough energy to cook a meal and brush my teeth.
Five minutes now. This day should be interesting.