So We Partied

We had the baby dedication service. It was beautiful! Then we had the meal which lasted about two and a half hours. I managed to not do terribly with the calories. Everything was fried, loaded with cheese, or drenched in mayonnaise. It tasted great, but due to the high calorie foods, this girl had some very small portions. Praise the Lord for the piece of meat. At least it was some good protein. Also, there were literally five desserts. I can say no to them. It becomes more difficult when everyone believes that all who are eating cake should focus on the one who is not eating cake.

If a ten is the best experience one could have, and a one is close to death, I would give this event a six. At no point did death seem imminent. There were even a few enjoyable moments. In all, it wasn’t bad.

Everyone seems angry with me though. I didn’t help prepare for the event because I was stuck in depression, no one needs me, I live in a black hole – land. They seem to be slightly irritated for that. Right now it is clean up time. At the lunch I had decided to stay and help clean. Then Dad decided we need to Skype Mom opening her Mother’s Day gifts. I feel that being “with them” for this moment is important. They are trying to make me feel involved. The neighbors on the other hand, they probably won’t be very happy.

It is interesting. I would love for one of them to show some concern. Maybe they are trying to give me some space. If the roles were reversed, I hope I would politely show some love. I hope I would come over when they haven’t left the house for two days. I hope I would hug them and tell them that I am available should they need to talk. Instead, I am kind of on my own. That is probably my fault. Letting people in is difficult. Loving people is not always easy. Looking forward to some growth. I am convinced that after really difficult times, good times are on the way. Experience is a wonderful teacher, and I am ready to learn.

In the spirit of pushing myself beyond what seems realistic, I have decided to attend a concert with a group of youth on Saturday. Oh how nervous I am! Hoping this will be a good experience. Also, there has been communication with a couple of counselors/therapists. Hoping to talk with one of them this week. Maybe this is the start of a positive trend.


8 thoughts on “So We Partied

  1. I have difficulty “liking” your posts, because I know your struggle. You do have some positives though, keep looking for those little accomplishments.


    • Thank you for the encouraging words. Looking for the positives seemed a like a lost art when you first suggested it. At the end of the day, it isn’t terribly difficult to find a few things that were good. Thank you for suggesting looking for the positives. It is a good way to live.


  2. I’m glad that the celebration went well overall. I’d consider a 6 to be a tremendous success given how anxious you were about it beforehand! πŸ™‚

    Resistance to letting people in – UGH. Such a tough one for me. I’m not even sure that I understand all the elements of that – it’s just one of those things that keeps popping up as I try to understand more about my reactions to people.

    One thing I’ve realized, though, is that I want people to show that they might possibly care – but I’m unconsciously (consciously?) sabotaging it at the same time. It doesn’t make any sense, I know, and I think it’s just one of those weird dichotomies of depression. I desperately want people to show that they need me and care about me, but at the same time, I’m frantically adding bricks to my wall to keep people out. Maybe some of the same happens with you? I’ve found that if I can try to be more aware of that, then maybe I can make different choices. Maybe I don’t have to pile on quite so many bricks at a time. And I remember that if it doesn’t feel like it’s working to let someone in even a tiny bit, I can always add a brick or two. Again, getting back to my comment on your previous post, it doesn’t have to be one or the other – and I can change my mind or adjust as I feel necessary.


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