Tonight was difficult. We had a special service at church. All the pews were filled. People were jammed together. Many bodily odors filled the room. The service lasted over two hours. It was worth the time. The preacher did a fantastic job. By the time it was all over, I was mentally and emotionally numb. If not for the medication, I would have come home and cried many tears. But I don’t really feel much of anything at this point. There is a slight sense of disappointment in myself for not being more social. I just don’t even care to try anymore. I am so tired of speaking in Romanian and feeling stupid because I can’t speak correctly. I am a teacher. Being able to speak and have others understand is essential. To not have that is painful. I just don’t know how to try or what to do. I don’t want to talk with anyone. I just want them to all disappear. Everything in life cannot be comfortable. I know this is true. But I am so tired of having to regulate my breathing every time I talk with someone. There are so many nervous habits that let other people know I am struggling. It lets down my protective barrier. If they know how I am feeling they may be able to use that to their advantage. Then I feel guiltier because I should be relying on God. I should be praying my way through. I am so numb though, it is hard to do the things I need to. I am usually fine not being married, except for nights like this. I just want to be held and reassured that life is not always what the brain says it is. I want someone stronger than me to remind me I don’t always have to be strong. I want to trust someone again and let them through these barriers, and know that they will never intentionally do me harm. I want the same things every human being wants.