Pity Party/Rant/Sob Story/Whining

Tonight was difficult. We had a special service at church. All the pews were filled. People were jammed together. Many bodily odors filled the room. The service lasted over two hours. It was worth the time. The preacher did a fantastic job. By the time it was all over, I was mentally and emotionally numb. If not for the medication, I would have come home and cried many tears. But I don’t really feel much of anything at this point. There is a slight sense of disappointment in myself for not being more social. I just don’t even care to try anymore. I am so tired of speaking in Romanian and feeling stupid because I can’t speak correctly. I am a teacher. Being able to speak and have others understand is essential. To not have that is painful. I just don’t know how to try or what to do. I don’t want to talk with anyone. I just want them to all disappear. Everything in life cannot be comfortable. I know this is true. But I am so tired of having to regulate my breathing every time I talk with someone. There are so many nervous habits that let other people know I am struggling. It lets down my protective barrier. If they know how I am feeling they may be able to use that to their advantage. Then I feel guiltier because I should be relying on God. I should be praying my way through. I am so numb though, it is hard to do the things I need to. I am usually fine not being married, except for nights like this. I just want to be held and reassured that life is not always what the brain says it is. I want someone stronger than me to remind me I don’t always have to be strong. I want to trust someone again and let them through these barriers, and know that they will never intentionally do me harm. I want the same things every human being wants.


2 thoughts on “Pity Party/Rant/Sob Story/Whining

  1. A time like this, God can be that person for you. He knows what you are going through, he understands life is difficult for you now and he loves you. Don’t feel guilty that you think you are not relying on God. Honestly, this is the hardest for all of us and he knows that. Maybe you are going through these things because God wants you to for some reason, who knows. You are so hard on yourself. {{hugs}} You are doing a really amazing thing teaching in a foreign country. It’s very hard to do and most people wouldn’t even think of doing it.


    • Thank you so very much for your kind words. What you have said is extremely encouraging and quite true. God does want to be everything I need. I need to accept that He is offering Himself to me. He is a free gift. Sometimes I need that reminder.

      Also, thank you for the reminder not to be so hard on myself. That is easy to forget. 🙂


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