Warning: This post contains very detailed and descriptive talk of self harm and also a mention of suicide. Please be careful. Warning.
Recently self harm has become a very common practice for me. The problem is the space. I am not a small lady, but in my opinion there are only certain places that are good to cut. The thighs are excellent. The wrist and the inside of the elbow are fantastic. Sometimes the sides and hips are good. I have cut on all those places already. My favorite by far is the inside of the elbow area. The skin is extremely thin and the blood comes to the surface very quickly.
Because it is Summer time, cuts on the wrist and inside of the arm would be easily noticed. Or so I thought. No one has questioned the cuts on my wrist. They haven’t noticed the longer sleeves or the way the sleeves are nervously pulled down every few seconds. Part of me wonders how you don’t notice cuts and scratches throughout someone’s body. I also cut on the inside of both ankles. There aren’t many cuts there, but they are there. Do people think it a coincidence that one person can have so many scratches on various body parts?
It kind of makes me sad that people are so focused on other parts of life that they don’t notice what could be something big for others. At the same time, who can blame them? If cutting or self harm is not an issue they have dealt before, how would they know what to look for? As someone who does deal with this, I am constantly looking for warning signs in other people. There are many tell tale signs that are often overlooked.
I feel like if people were more aware, maybe more people could be helped. Somehow I feel as if my cutting is under control. Today I will not cut. I already want to, but the old wounds need to heal up some first. The fact that the wounds can be stroked and patted to induce some pain is helpful. I don’t feel addicted. But I also feel that having a history of cutting made entertaining thoughts of suicide easier. Perhaps I am wrong. These are just my thoughts.
Sometimes I take pictures of the cuts. Looking at them brings back the feelings of the moment and relaxation, maybe even comfort. I have thought several times what it would be like to show my neighbor the cuts. There are many ways I imagine she would react, though the reality probably wouldn’t be as fun as my fantasies. :)
Anyway, just something that needed to be expressed. The blog is usually a good place to do that.