Surprise, surprise, this post contains detailed discussion of self harm. Though it is a more “positive” type of post, please use caution. There is still blatant talk of cutting. Really don’t want anyone to be triggered, especially by something I have written. Warning given!
For some reason, my brain doesn’t seem to know how to do anything half-way. If there is weight to be gained, it usually isn’t going to be a few pounds. If there is time to be wasted, say goodbye the entire day. Emotions to be felt? Let us go as far as we possibly can! So it seems to be with cutting. For a long time cutting every few days was enough. Then it became an everyday occurrence. Today I literally spent an hour cutting, “playing” with the cuts, and enjoying the pain. By playing with the cuts, I mean reopening old ones and irritating new ones. Things are going to far.
So now I have to stop, even though I really don’t want to. This is a need. The wounds aren’t being given adequate time to heal. The cuts are starting to bruise a little. My whole right thigh up to the top of my hip bone is literally covered in scars and cuts. Right now I love them. They are beautiful, but there will come a time that I hate them. That time is dreaded. Just one more problem with me and my body.
I am worried though what I will do without the pain. While teaching or interacting with others, I am constantly touching the cuts hidden underneath my clothes. It is somehow very comforting. What will I do without that? It is a huge coping mechanism for me right now.
I also need to stop because I can’t get enough blood. It doesn’t matter how many cuts there are and how much they bleed, it isn’t enough. Eventually that is going to lead to some severe problems.
Finally, I need to stop because of my sister. I am so afraid of what she is going to think when she sees the cuts, and she will see them. Not much gets past her. Even just thinking about it I feel embarrassed, stupid, scarred, ugly, exposed, and sad. I certainly don’t want her to cut. How can I tell her not to when she knows that I do? Sounds kind of hypocritical. I try to remind myself that I am human and that she won’t base all her decisions off what I do. She is intelligent and sane. She will be ok.
So as sad as it makes me to have to do something like this, a new countdown is starting. Here we go.