Overslept this morning. Didn’t make it the morning service. Listened to a couple of excellent sermons from home. Honestly that was probably more beneficial for me than attending church anyway. That sounds so bad. At church I am so anxious that I can barely breathe much less translate what the preacher is saying. That makes me feel like a total failure which causes more anxiety. Had a good morning and a great afternoon. Accomplished a lot of writing which is always a great thing. Got ready for church. The kids were running around, screaming, and playing in the foyer. My mind couldn’t handle it. I just wanted to disappear.
Social cues are terribly difficult for me to pick up on. I need people to tell me what they want and what they need. Don’t know if I am just too selfish or what but I have always been like this. As we were getting in the van outside there was a bit of shuffling around. I grew confused and managed to embarrass myself. Before we even made it too church I thought the end was coming. An anxiety attack has never happened at church. Pretty sure I was closer this evening than I ever have been. Shaking, tingling, sweating, barely breathing, nauseous, and on the verge of tears, I survived. I hated every minute but I survived.
The hardest part was after church. I looked back over some posts from the good times. That was crushing. How can there be two sides of me that are completely opposite?
Interestingly enough, I also cooked the third most horrible dish I have ever cooked. When I was about eleven, I made a mayonnaise chocolate cake. Yes, that is actually a real thing. It was terrible! Around the same time, my deep affection for garlic gave me the idea of butter and garlic mac and cheese. No. Just, no. Tonight I made “pancakes” with bananas and eggs. Those were the only two ingredients. They were supposed to be mashed together then cooked like regular pancakes. They were disgusting. I ate them anyway. Somehow I cannot throw out food. You live and you learn. I also managed to eat very terribly today. I will not be angry at myself because of it. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. It could be good.
Hey you. Yes, you. Thanks for reading!