He resigned from the pastorate. I have yet to respond to the email he sent informing me of this decision. What is there to say? I feel a bit hurt and jaded. Those are really selfish feelings though. For him there are great feelings of sadness and concern. I hope he is ok.
This man was my pastor, friend, confidant, adviser, and boss. Here we are. He has moved on. Where does that leave me? Where does that leave the people who were working for his organization? Yes, it is only me and one other family, but there are many people that the ministry influences. The church this organization was started from is struggling, and now the pastor has left. Worse case scenario would be the church folding. That would be beyond terrible for many people. The next step from that would be if a new pastor were hired, who did not see the need for the said organization. The next step from that would be if the new pastor did not see the need for my position over here and pulled me from the field.
Things could also go the opposite direction. We could get a new pastor who has a huge heart for missions and takes the church and the missions organization farther than ever before. I hope this is the case. I know God has a plan. Right now though, I have no clue what that plan is. I do know that going home, being removed from Moldova, would break me and my heart in two. I don’t think I could survive it. I would be a twenty three year old single female living with and depending completely on my parents until I could get on my feet. I can’t do that.
We will see what happens. In the mean time anxiety is pretty high. There is possibility that I will be bringing all my belongings back home with me when I go next week. I am not ready to pack everything up with the possibility of moving back home. If our organization shuts down, I plan on getting a job. After getting a job and saving a bit of money, I would begin to attend our local community college to pursue a degree in culinary arts. After completing that degree, I would hopefully then continue to a higher end culinary school. I have always thought that God either wanted me to be a missionary or I could be a chef. Maybe He wanted me here for a brief time and will open up a way for me to be a chef as well. That would be amazing.
Along with the anxiety, I can feel the beginnings of another wave of depression. I have no idea how to combat it. I have been social. Food choices have been good. I am drinking water. There is plenty of exercise going on. I am getting plenty of b vitamins. Can’t go outside right now because of the rain. I can’t be dealing with another bought of depression right now. I am flying home in seven and a half days. This is one of those times that I wish I could drink. Not that my life is that bad right now but there are too many questions and no answers. I would just like to forget for a little while. I am so tired.