Through all the changes of the last couple of months, several aspects of life have remained the same. Depression exists regardless of where a person is. Eating properly and exercising both remain major struggles. Relationships prove to be trying as usual. The most alarming consistency though is that of pain.
I tend to give objects and aspects of life a gender. Perhaps in previous writing pain was assigned a specific identity. At this point in life, it does not have anything specific to claim. As dependable as pain is, it also proves to be ever changing. Any given day pain walks by my side. Sometimes it holds tightly to me, and we go hand in hand. Other times pain sneaks behind, ever so closely, but never close enough for an early discovery. It seems to have a plan; one that it refuses to share with me.
Pain has started showing itself in new ways. It still comes in the form of cutting, but has now become more creative in the methods of such behavior. Perhaps this is due to the new level of necessary secrecy. Pain no loner allows for any feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction. It yells at me from inside, sometimes in the form of anxiety attacks and sometimes in the form of that nagging voice in the back of the head. Often it won’t shut up.
If not a devil then pain certainly must be close friends with one. With all of it’s randomness and seeming instabilities, it remains most consistent in that it is always welcomed. At first entry might be harshly denied and fought against. With but a little time, it wins. It always wins. It is fine with me though, for it has become apparent to my mind that pain is actually a good friend. I know that in the difficult times it will come. In the good times it will be watching me. It brings gifts and asks only for attention. Pain is dependable. If nothing else, pain reminds me that there is life somewhere inside this vessel.
Thanks pain for your company. You are there when no one else can be found. You are strong when everything else is week. You scream loudly then whisper your foolish wisdom. You entertain and influence. You change, and you don’t. You are not always understood, but you are always available. Thank you dearest pain.