Anyone who has lived any real amount of time understands that life brings with it many changes. Heck, every day brings changes. Denying or running away from these changes won’t change them. (Enjoy that pun). What I can’t grasp is how much everything can modify with time, yet be the same.
I am terribly puzzled today. Scrolling through a social media account, a picture of a former student popped up. Now keep in mind I was twenty three and he was twenty one at the time of our work and friendship. At the time I was a very broken person. Part of me believes that he could see that. He brought out a confidence in me that few others have ever seen. He was a beautiful person in every way. We studied together for several months. Then he left. He flew away to be part of a work with his uncle. I was broken at the very least. When my parents questioned why his departure injured me so, I assured them I was not in love the young man.
Fast forward a year. I was in love with him. At least, what I think love is. I seem to have a talent for sabotaging myself. I left his country, where I was teaching English, and moved back home. Once he learned that I was not to return, he stopped responding to my messages. I miss him. I can’t help but wonder what could have been. But the what if’s are meaningless and threatening. Though he seemed interested in me as well, any chance with him left me as I left his country.
What was it that kept me from pursuing anything with him only one year ago? Perhaps it was depression, but that sounds like an excuse. It feels wrong to say I wasn’t ready for love as love doesn’t sit around waiting for the perfect moment to present itself. Perhaps brokenness brings with it an inability to see things clearly. I don’t know.
Why is it that the person there a year ago and the person here now are the same people, yet they are so completely different? How can one year do that to someone? A year ago, I was suicidal, cutting, and not functioning. Today, I am much healthier in those areas. How are we the same person? Why couldn’t I as I am now be the person there with him a year ago?
Another piece of me feels that none of this matters. I know it doesn’t. But why does it seem that love escapes me? I don’t know how he actually felt, but I know how I felt. Why did it take so long to realize the truth?
Will I ever get it right? I home-school my sister and basically go to church and to the grocery store. How can I meet someone? If I ever feel “love” again, will I get it right?
I don’t know. All I know is, I hope you and I will take chances. May you and I learn from our mistakes. May we acknowledge our humanity, embrace it, and live. And may we not wait.