Today was fine with the eating well and calorie counting. They took a nosedive when I started to feel very down and discouraged about relationships and social interactions. Some of those are actually closely related to my previous post from today. I basically binged at dinner. We had turkey and quite an array of vegetables, but it was a binge still. I went over my calorie allotment.
The difficulty comes in when its time understand that surpassing my calorie limit does not make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t make me less of a person. Knowing all this does not stop me from feeling like a failure. It doesn’t keep me from thinking I am less of a person than someone else.
I won’t blame my grandmother. I will say this though: there was no problem until my sister shared what grandma had to say about me today. She said I need to be careful because when I go through break ups and hard times, I tend to eat more and gain weight. This isn’t news to me. I know its true, but it kind of made me feel like she was expecting me to be a disappointment. She has always been on me about my weight. Even when I was a young teenager, she would suggest diets and ask me if I should be eating the food I was eating. I know she only cares, but it kind of takes me back to when I was little and she wasn’t satisfied with me; or at least, that’s how I felt.
She has struggled with her weight her entire life. She knows how difficult it is. I feel like an embarrassment to her and to my dad. I also feel like a failure because of my lack of ability to make anything last, especially if that anything is a relationship. The sad part is that I gave in to the very thing she was warning me about. I felt bad so I ate copious amounts of food.
Tomorrow is a new day, and whether I am successful or I fail, everything will be ok. We will all be fine. We can make it. Cheers!