I have forgotten you, not completely but almost. My senses can’t remember anything more than a glimpse of who you were. I don’t know the last time I dreamed of you or cried for you. Some part of me misses you, remembers a ghost of the person you were. Isn’t this what I wanted? Didn’t I want to forget you? If so, why does this send fear pulsing through my veins?
I know I still love you, but what version of you? You know what you would find ironic? I am in a relationship now with a man who will with no doubt hurt me. The entire set up points to pain on my part. But I know it is there, that I will find you again. Perhaps it is not you or our relationship that I have never moved on from. Perhaps it is the feeling of life and power that only pain can provide.
It is during pain that you feel real again. Why do I do this to myself? Realistically, how can I not? As most people, I have more questions than answers at this point. The end of our relationship haunts me everyday. It probably always will. I wish I could understand why. I wish I had an answer for how to prevent this from happening all over again.
In a way, I am so happy for you. You found a way out. You seem to be happy and grounded. I am happy for you. You deserve that happiness. But I would be lying if I denied the presence of the tears every time I consider it. Our chance is lost. I know there is no hope and no future for us. But I wish you could explain to me what really happened. I want to understand beyond the lens from the glasses of youth and immaturity.
Maybe this is where I live right now. How does one deal with unanswered questions and regrets? I don’t know. But I guess that’s the beauty of life. We can all learn. Sadly, the lessons most worth learning are often the most difficult.