Warning: There is some talk of sexual things. Please do not read if you are underage or believe you may be offended. Thanks.
There comes a point when you realize that you don’t know, and that its ok if you don’t. I’m always afraid when I begin to feel these feelings, and think these thoughts. The questions and doubts cover the mind like a curtain. Maybe that is the depression. I’m scared. There seems to be no point anymore. The cliche answers run through with the other thoughts. They tell me to think of someone else and their problems. They tell me to get over it and stop being selfish. They always have something to say.
My friend Sam is the only one who knows how to find this blog. If you read this Sam, you will understand the guilty conscious thing I mentioned a little while ago. I grew up in a home that was very strict about anything sexual. No sex before marriage. No porn. No touching yourself. No looking at anything provocative.
This became a problem for me as a teenager. Time would prove that I am actually a very sexual person. I’ve made my mistakes. But have I ever learned? I won’t bore you with every detail of my past. Let’s just start at the recent past. First attempt at sex with the ex boyfriend – if you have been keeping up, you already know. Since him and joining feabie, there is little to nothing that I won’t do or send a photo or video of me doing. I met a guy through the site. He is married. He is in an open marriage. He and I have been seeing each other and sleeping together. It all sounds tame in my opinion. His wife knows about it and approves. The problem is I am falling for him. Why do I fall in love so easily? Ironically, he is older than me. Another common trend has been identified.
Another problem is that I am living with my family. If they find out, I know I will be kicked out. They will be angry and hurt. I also can’t reconcile myself with God. There is where the real emotions kick in. I feel worthless and aimless on the inside. I’m scared. I fear for my soul but also for my spirit. Troubled comes to mind. And I fear this will only end badly for me. He loves his wife. He isn’t going to leave her. Realistically I am probably just a speck in his life. And that hurts as well.
I want a husband and a family. I want kids so badly. I know that staying with him isn’t smart, but I can’t leave him now. I don’t want to leave him. He has become my place of refuge and safety. He is where I feel at home. I need him. I want him. The fear is wearing me out.
What was the point in this post? I think it was just to vent.