I Wanted Words


In my extremist way, I tried the online dating thing. I won’t go into all the details at this moment. I will say this though, people should not determine your value. I can’t tell you how many guys stopped talking to me if I told them they wouldn’t be receiving any pictures or videos from me. It made me feel cheap and worthless.

Breaking up with my sweet ex….

He never responded. My parents told me was only using me. I didn’t believe it. They told me I was his unpaid prostitute. I didn’t listen. I still don’t believe the terrible things they spewed about this precious man. I broke up with him through a text. Please, Please people, don’t hate me or judge me. If you do decide to hate and judge, just please don’t do it in the comments. I just couldn’t look into his eyes and tell him bye. I tried. It didn’t work. For my sake, I ended it through a text. He didn’t respond.

Its that lack of response that makes me doubt and wonder if my parents were right. I know he wouldn’t have tried to change my mind. He wouldn’t have tried to talk me out of my decision. But nothing? Every time my phone rings I want it to be him, saying anything at all. But there is nothing. Even if he cursed me and my family and said he would rather me be dead, would that be better than nothing?

So I wonder. But the reality is, no matter his motivations in his relationship with me; no matter his feelings towards me; my value is the same. He doesn’t get to decide how I feel about myself. He doesn’t determine my worth. I would still love to see him one more time or know how he is doing. I would even love to know if he has already found someone else to sleep with. But I can’t. And that is fine.

I do hope that the next girl he sees will know that she is worth more than anything she can give a man. I hope he and his wife can find a way to work through their marriage without a third or fourth party being involved. I hope that, should I ever be blessed with a daughter, she will make better choices than I have.  But I am still worth something. I am worth a lot. God says so. You are worth a lot too, regardless of what anyone would try to make you think. I hope you understand and believe in your value.

I definitely didn’t read through or edit this one either. Forgive me. I’m not lazy. I just don’t want to reread my writing today. 🙂

 

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